Movie Review: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Four score, and seven years ago, Lincoln was a badass

Today is President's day, so obviously I should review a president related movie, and what better movie to review then Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Based on the book of the same name this historical fiction horror movie takes the real story of America's 16th president, Abraham Lincoln, and how he led a secret double life as a vampire hunter. This movie is pretty cheesy, that's a given, despite that though the movie takes itself very seriously which in a way I much more prefer for this movie strangely enough.

The movie opens in 1818 when Abraham was only a young boy. He saves his friend, a young black boy named William Johnson from a slaver at the expense of his father's job. Later that night the slaver from before sneaks into the house, and does something to his mother causing her to die shortly after the next morning. The movie then skips a decade later, Abraham is now a young adult bent on vengeance. Though first he gets himself drunk at a bar where he meets Henry Sturges who comments saying that men like him only get this drunk if they want to kiss a girl, or kill a man. Henry pats Abraham's back causing his gun to drop to the floor. He picks it up, and runs out of the bar, going to the docks where the man who killed his mother is located. Abraham then stumbles across the drained corpse of a woman. The killer, Jack Barts then attacks him. Abraham then shoots him in the eye with his gun, but it is proved useless as Jack gets up, and beats up Abraham. However before he can kill him, Abraham is rescued by someone else. The next morning we are introduced to Henry Sturges who tells Abraham that he was attacked by a vampire.Abraham demands that Henry teaches him how to kill vampires, but Henry doesn't want to unless he can toss away his lust for vengeance. Abraham lies, and says he agrees. We then get a training montage of Abraham learning how to kill vampires, using a silver coated axe to do so. After the montage, Lincoln moves to Springfield studying to become a lawyer while also killing vampires. His childhood friend Will returns to him as a grown adult asking for his help as a lawyer to prove his free status. Along the way, despite Henry warning Abraham that he can't have any romantic interests, he falls n love with Mary. 

After killing six or so vampires in the town of Springfield Abraham is finally tasked with killing Jack Barts. They have a intense fight, but Abraham comes out victorious, finally avenging his mother. Although, as Barts is dying, he tells Abraham that Henry is actually a vampire himself. This is true as the next scene we see him kill a man, and drink his blood. Henry explains his tragic backstory to Abraham. He was bitten by the head vampire Adam, and was forced to watch his wife be killed. Since he was turned into a vampire by Adam this makes it so then he is incapable of killing his kind. With this Henry has then been looking for humans to train to kill vampires, so they can kill Adam. However feeling betrayed, Abraham tries to then give up his hunting days, and gets married to Mary. Though he thought his hunting days were over, his friend Will had been kidnapped by Adam as part of a trap. Joshua Speed accompanies him on his hunt. At the plantation where Will is being held, Abraham kills a large crowd of vampires before being stopped by Vadoma, one of the main vampires. Speed also runs away, but surprisingly returns, saving Will, and Abraham. When escaping, they are assisted by Harriet Tubman, and I know, your brain is probably fried at this point. That's a good thing though, this is a movie you really need to throw out all historical accuracy. Upon returning to Springfield Abraham begins his campaign to become president so he can end slavery. Henry tries to warn him that he shouldn't do that as the vampires had been using the slaves as their main food source for the past century, and if Abraham messed that up, war would happen. As we know from our history books though, Abraham wins the election, and writes the Thirteenth Amendment, abolishing slavery across the country. The Civil War then breaks out, and the Confederates are assisted by the vampires, wiping out almost all Union soldiers on the first day. Abraham, and Mary's son, Will is also killed in the same way that his mother was (In the movie though he is played off as a single child, when in real life, he was their second child out of three. Though he did pass away from unknown causes making this somewhat accurate. Wow, learning!).

Almost giving up hope, he recalls that everyone has silver in some form. Remembering how silver kills vampires he confiscates all the silver in the area, and has it melted down into weapons for the Union. Meanwhile Speed thinks Abraham is making the wrong decision, and is tearing the country apart. Because of this, he betrays Abraham, and in secret tells the vampires about their plan. Knowing that the vampires are going to try, and stop the train Abraham, William, and even Henry decide to fight. During this fight scene it is revealed that they knew about Speed's betrayal, but it was actually part of their plan. The silver was actually being transported via a different railway. What he means is the Underground Railroad, led by Harriet Tubman they get the weapons to Gettysburg. The vampires then attempt to storm the union camp, but it fails as they all have silver weapons. Mary even kills Vadoma, getting vengeance for her son. The movie then skips to nearly two years later, April 14th, 1865. Henry offers to turn Abraham into a vampire,  but he declines, and instead gives his journal to Henry. Abraham then leaves to go attend a Opera with his wife, and the rest is history. Though we do quickly skip to the present at a modern bar. Henry meets a man in the exact same predicament as his old friend Abraham, and the movie ends.

If you're looking for a fun action horror that messes up history a bit, then this movie is for you. I mean what better movie to watch on President's Day then one that makes our 16th President into a vampire hunting badass. If this review gets popular enough i'll review Pride, Prejudice, and Zombies which is a movie based on another book by the same author as Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. This cheesy vampire slaying adventure gets 5 out of 5 Paws up.