Movie Review: The Velocipastor

This is the only religious movie you'll get me to watch unironically

A couple years ago, some genius decided to make a action-thriller movie on a $35,000 budget. The end result? Surprisingly good. The Velocipastor is a movie about a young pastor who suddenly loses his parents. He then goes on a trip to China where he is cursed to becoming a killer dinosaur whenever he is angry, or hungry. Along the way, a hooker convinces him to become a vigilante, and fight evil; which includes drug dealing ninjas. If that description alone piques your interest then strap in, you're in for a wild ride.

Our movie begins introducing us to our protagonist, Doug Jones. He finishes up his sermon for the day, and heads outside where his parents are across the street waiting for him. Suddenly though their car blows up, killing them. Doug cries in anguish as we see a hilarious visual, or lack of one. Where the burning car should be is instead a piece of text that reads, 'VFX: Car on Fire'. It is with this that one can easily figure out that this movie is not going to take itself seriously, and have fun with it's outrageous plot. His fellow pastor, Father Stewart comforts him explaining that maybe he should take a trip. We then cut to "China", which i'm pretty sure was just a nearby park. Doug is wandering around the forest when a woman falls before him, a arrow in her chest. He is then given a mysterious stone that he cuts himself on. We then cut to a different scene in which Doug wakes up in bed, and it reveals that the last scene was a flashback which comes back to him as a nightmare. Needing some fresh air, he leaves, and we are introduced to Carol. Carol is studying to become a doctor-lawyer, but with her student debt she is forced to be a prostitute to the cruel pimp, Frankie Mermaid (Named that because he's always swimming in bitches he says). Suddenly it is night, and Carol is doing her work in a park. She is then attacked by a thug, but before anything can happen to her, coincidentally Doug was in that same park. He suddenly transforms for the first time into his new dinosaur form, and rips apart the attacker, saving Carol. 

The next morning, Doug wakes up in Carol's bed naked, immediately he thinks that they must of had sex. Carol tries to remind him of what he did, but he doesn't believe her until she shows him the remains of the attacker. Carol then tries to convince Doug that it doesn't need to be a bad thing, that he can use this power for good, and get rid of all the bad people in the world.Of course being a man of God, Doug refuses, and runs back to his church in time for him to host the confessions booth. On the other side of the booth however is Frankie, Carol's pimp. He begins to brag about all the comically evil deeds he's done such as stealing candy from a baby, then killing said baby so it doesn't snitch, dealing drugs, pimping, killing people. Frankie then brings up something he shouldn't have, he confesses to be the one behind Doug's parent's death. This enrages Doug, and causes him to turn into his arm into dinosaur claws which he uses to slice Frankie's throat. He rushes back to Carol afterwards, and tells her that he is ready to become a vigilante, he also tells her who he killed. Carol thanks him, and a montage begins. During this montage, Doug, and Carol grow closer together as they kill criminals together. At the end of the montage, we are introduced to our main villain of the story, Wei Chan, a Chinese drug dealer. Upon hearing that their dealers are being killed by Doug, he sends his ninja assassins to try, and kill him. Although we won't see the ninjas until later. Everything seems to be going fine for Carol, and Doug, but soon enough Father Stewart notices that something is strange with Doug. Doug then tries to explain to him that he has the ability to turn into a dinosaur, and he fights bad guys. Upon hearing this Father Stewart decides to call an old friend of his to perform an exorcism on Doug. We also get a flashback of how Father Stewart knows the exorcist, Altair. He flashes back to when they were both in Vietnam, they both share inspiring words with each other before Altair is shot, and killed (Even though he is still alive, but they never explain how). Later on as he tries to write a letter to Altair's parents telling them of the tragedy, Stewart's wife is then suddenly there. She runs towards him, accidentally stepping onto a mine, exploding everywhere, end of flashback.

The exorcism goes terribly, and Father Stewart is disemboweled by Doug. Doug then escapes, and is confronted by the ninjas. He defeats them easily, and returns to Carol where they proceed to have PG-13 sex, like normal sex, but their underwear stays on. He's also back to his human self mind you. The next morning, the two are ambushed by more ninjas. Here we find out that Carol is good at fighting too. The two find out where the ninjas came from, and head off. We then cut to Stewart who is actually alive. He was healed by the drug dealing ninja leader. Here he reveals his plan to Father Stewart. Get the people addicted to cocaine, then cut it, then they'll seek religious help groups, convert them to Christianity, and take over the world. Father Stewart does not approve of the plan however, and because of this Wei Chan kills him. Shortly afterwards, Doug, and Carol arrive. They both take down ninja after ninja, before a huge bombshell reveal happens. The only white ninja approaches Doug, and reveals that he is actually his brother, Sam. The two brothers then begin to fight to the death. Sam tries to use "the sword of ancestors" to kill Doug, but Doug makes the sword fly to his hand instead, saying, "your ancestors are my ancestors!", and with that he kills Sam. Poor Sam, he just wanted to be acknowledged. Meanwhile Carol is fighting off a bunch of ninjas, though things go badly quick as as a sword wielding ninja comes to fight her. He slashes her across the chest. Carol now lays in Doug's arms dying. Upon her dying he unleashes his rage, and slaughters all the ninjas. Wei Chan then shoots him in the leg with a arrow, causing him to revert back to a human. The drug lord is about to kill him when it turns out Doug's arms are still in Dinosaur form. He then proceeds to rip of his head, which for comedic purposes had been replaced with an obvious dummy head. The next scene, he is in a hospital where it turns out Carol is going to be just fine. In the final scene of the movie we find out that he has been excommunicated from the church, but despite that he is still going to fight in order to bring peace to the world, along with Carol.

Velocipastor is not for everyone that is for sure. This movie is targeted to those that don't care too much about quality, and just want a good laugh, and I respect it for that. This movie has cult classic written all over it. If you're the kind of person that enjoys really out there humor, and genre parodies, then I think you'll get a kick out of this. Overall, Velocipastor is a bonkers movie that deserves attention, I give it a 4 out of 5 Paws up!