Movie Review: Flash Gordon

Just like opening up a racist time capsule

I know it's been forever since I made my last post, but I think now is a good time to pick up where we left off. With my return, we are going to be looking at the 1980s adaptation of the comic strip series, Flash Gordon. The story centers around a star Quarterback, who with a random lady, and a eccentric scientist work together to save not only the Earth, but the people of the planet Mongo as well. Be warned though that this movie portrays a lot of outdated cultural references, and a white guy in yellow face. What would be a decent, and cheesy sci-fi movie is bogged down by it's racist heritage. 

The movie opens introducing us to our main villain, Ming the Merciless who decides to use his weather controlling buttons to mess around with Earth before making the Moon slowly descend towards the planet to destroy it. After that brief scene, we then get a awesome title credits sequence with music by the band QUEEN playing in the background. QUEEN was actually responsible for almost all the music in the film, which I admit is a huge redeeming factor for this movie. After the opening credits we are introduced to our hero, Flash Gordon who at this time is the star quarterback of The New York Jets. On a plane ride, he meets Dale Arden, a travel agent who doesn't like air travel. Flash flirts with her, and after three minutes, she becomes way into him.Suddenly the pilots disappear, making Flash have to land the plane himself. Back down on ground, the ex-NASA scientist Zarkov, is trying to get his assistant to get on the rocket, and stop whoever is causing the strange natural disasters. The assistant runs off however. Though that is when Gordon, and Dale crash into Zarkov's lab. Luckily the two know who Zarkov already is, the ex-NASA scientist who was fired for being crazy. Zarkov then tricks Flash, and Dale onto his rocket, and starts it, launching the trio into space. The spaceship lands on the planet, Mongo, and the trio is promptly captured by Ming's forces. There is a useless scene where Flash does his football stuff in Ming's palace. Afterwards, Ming orders for Flash's execution, and Dale to become a new member of his harem. Zarkov is also taken to be brainwashed, and his memories wiped. Flash is seemingly killed, but saved by Ming's daughter, Aura, who is attracted to him despite being engaged. Aura is essentially a Space Thot. 

Aura then teaches Flash how to use telepathy to communicate with Dale, and is taken to meet some Robin-Hood looking people who's passage into adulthood ceremony involves sticking your hand into a tree to see if you get stung or not by an incredibly dangerous scorpion like creature.There the leader Barin, who is engaged to Aura, promises that he will not kill Flash. Sure enough Barin is not allowed to kill Flash, but nothing said that he couldn't instead challenge Flash to stick his hand into the pain tree. The two take turns putting their hands into the tree. Flash then pretends to be stung, and uses it to launch a surprise attack against Barin. He escapes for a little bit before both he, and Barin are captured by the Hawk People. To be honest though, the Hawk People just look like they belong in a Gay Biker Gang. Meanwhile back at Ming's Palace though, Klytus, the leader of Ming's secret Police force had spotted Aura helping Flash escape. Dale, and Zarkov also escape from the palace. Is it just me, or should Ming invest in a better security system? However shortly after escaping Zarkov reveals how he was able to resist the brainwashing by reciting Shakespeare. Literally just a couple minutes later, The two are captured by the Hawk People as well. At the Sky Castle our trio of heroes are reunited. Though it is short lived as the leader of the Hawk People, Vultan then demands that Barin, and Flash fight to the death, and i'm pretty dang sure that Game of Thrones stole this scene in the first or second season. The fight ends with Barin nearly falling into the void below, but Flash saves him, winning Barin's loyalty.

Back on Mongo, Klytus tortures Aura until she tells him where Flash is. Her father, Ming also decides to exile her after he marries Dale. Now Klytus arrives at the Sky Castle, and is promptly killed by Flash. Vultan, and his Hawk People then evacuate the castle as Ming will surely come to destroy them. Ming does arrive, and captures Dale, and Zarkov. Though before leaving he attempts to negotiate with Flash to stop, and in return he'll stop the destruction of Earth, and appoint Flash as the ruler. Flash turns down the offer however, and Ming leaves so he can blow up the Sky Castle. Flash is able to escape in the nick of time however as he finds a flying jet-ski, a space-ski? I don't know. Flash regroups with the Hawk People, as well as Barin, and his people, and makes a plan to defeat Ming. Vultan finally decides to team up with Flash to help him. Working together, Flash, and the Hawk People are able to take over one of Ming's warships. Flash prepares to sacrifice himself to save everyone, but that doesn't quite go to plan as Barin is able to lower the Palace's shields making Flash able to crash the ship into the pa;ace safely. Yes, I know what I just said. Ming is impaled on the tip of the ship, and shortly dies afterwards meaning that both Earth, and Mongo are saved. Barin, and Aura now rule over the planet bringing in a era of peace. Flash, Dale, and Zarkov then wonder if they'll ever be able to return to Earth. Oh well, everyone probably assumed you died in the airplane crash anyway. Other then that, it's a happy ending to the movie.

I swear I didn't edit this

If it weren't for the historical context, I would probably give this movie a higher rating. I try to look at this movie with an unbiased look, but seeing all the racist stuff going on behind, and on scene, I can't get over it. Because of the series' origins, and just being cheesy in general, Flash Gordon is getting a 2 out of 5 paws up.

Movie Review: Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure

There's a reason why Disney won't acknowledge this movie's existence

May the 4th be with you Star Wars fans. Today is as you might've guessed, Star Wars Day. For the event I decided that I would review something Star Wars related. Though I am not looking at any of the main movies, nor the newer spin-offs, we're going to uncover a piece of forgotten Star Wars canon, The Ewok spin-off movies. Though we are only looking at the first of the two, Caravan of Courage. Taking place before the original trilogy, Caravan of Courage follows two kids whose parents are captured by a creature named  Gorax after crash landing on the Ewok's moon of Endor. The friendly teddy bear like Ewoks then help the children rescue their parents. I'm going to say it now though, this movie is a snore fest, so forgive me if a few important parts are omitted from the review, not my fault this movie had me sleeping for the most part.

The movie opens on a fateful night of Endor where we are introduced to the main character's parents who are trying to find their missing children. Suddenly they are captured by a giant monster, and we don't see them until thirty minutes later in the movie. The next day, the movie introduces us to a family of Ewoks. One thing I will praise is that unlike The Star Wars Holiday Special, there is actually a narrator to help give context. Except the narrator doesn't, he only explains the obvious, then proceeds to not explain any of the other weird shit that happens in this movie. The Dad Ewok I guess uses a para glider to find his two oldest sons, then um, I have no fucking clue what is even happening half of the time, and we're only in the beginning! Another thing that I need to point out is all the Earth animals on this "alien" planet. Goats, chickens, miniature horses, ferrets, lizards, mice, and even rabbits. The Ewok Dad, and his sons, including the third, and youngest son Wicket go on a walk or something. On the walk they find the crashed Star Cruiser, and investigate. Inside they find a sick little girl named Cindel, and soon enough after, her brother Mace. They bring the kids back to their home, and help Mace nurse Cindel back to health. Then Mace proceeds to grab his sister, and try to run away. They are attacked by a monster, and shortly saved by the Ewoks. The Ewoks then agree to help them find their parents, but first go to the Mystic Ewok to see where their parents are being held. They find that the Giant Gorax had taken them, and will soon kill them, so they need to go quickly. The titular Caravan of Courage is formed, and the kids along with their new Ewok friends head off to save their parents. Each person in the group was also given a special item, though I have no idea what these items do at all. 

On their way the group comes across a axe-wielding Ewok who joins their group, and shortly after a wizard Ewok. The thing is though, there is no magic in the Star Wars universe, only The Force, but here we have a Ewok breaking the damn rules! There are parts with forced peril as well to lengthen the run-time like Mace being trapped underwater for some reason, and a horse running off with Cindel. Eventually they finally arrive at the Gorax's lair. Wicket shanks a giant enemy spider dead. One of the Ewoks distracts Gorax while Mace rescues his parents. Then Gorax returns, and ends up killing the axe-using Ewok. Mace cries because that Ewok was his friend, or something. Using some rope, they trip the Gorax into a deep ravine. It doesn't work at first until Mace uses his dead Ewok buddy's axe to finish off Gorax. The group celebrates as they return to the Ewok village where the human family decide to live with the Ewoks until their ship is fixed. Wicket also dances on a table.

Why did I do this? I take back everything, this is the worst Star Wars movie ever. It's boring, makes no sense, and is just completely pointless. Of course i'm sure there are some angry neck beards somewhere that will insist this movie is a masterpiece compared to any of the Sequel Movies. I don't like this movie, that's it. Much like Furry Vengeance, this doesn't even deserve a score. Good day! God... I think I need a drink...

Movie Review: The Lorax

I speak for the trees, and the trees say, "What the actual hell is this movie?"

Thanks to these Illumination Entertainment adaptations of these classic stories, Dr. Seuss is now rolling in his grave so much we can power the entire country! Ah yes, The Lorax, a classic story showcasing how we need to take care of our forests, and not allow them to be chopped down in the name of capitalism. What better way to truly show off that message then to make a movie that's sponsored by a car. A car that comes from a polluting factory. Not to mention all the toys that were made as well from plastic heavy Happy Meal trinkets, to plushies, most likely from a toxic factory somewhere in a 3rd-world country. Ah yes, just as Theodor Seuss himself  intended. Moving away from that though, the movie on it's own tries to tell a heart warming story of a young boy determined to get a real tree in a world, or at least area with no trees at all. The Lorax however just presents itself as a soulless cash grab of an iconic story for the sake of seeming Eco-friendly.

The Lorax opens with the titular character telling us about Thneedville, though that really isn't necessary as we immediately jump into a exposition musical number. Yes, this movie is a musical. During this song we learn everything there is to know about the city, and how life seems to be perfect despite the fact that they need to buy bottled air frequently. This song shows one thing I really dislike about this movie, it explains everything to the viewer. Even if it is "just a kid's movie", by giving everything to the audience, you make them feel stupid, and sure kids can be pretty dumb, but I think they're smarter then Hollywood thinks they are. After the musical number we are introduced to our main character Ted who has a crush on this girl, but I forgot her name because she only appears a couple times in the movie despite seeming like a major character. I'll just call her Tree Girl, cause this hoe is obsessed with wanting to see a real tree. She even states that if a boy brought her a real tree, she would marry him on the spot. Thus with his dick raised, Ted sets out to find a real tree. Yup, you heard that right folks. This kid saves the environment by being horny. Good job Ted. At home Ted's "wacky XD" grandma tells him about The Once-ler, a shut-in hermit who lives outside of Thneedville, and somehow hasn't died yet from the smog, and poisoned waters. Ted finds a way outside of town, and comes across the home of The Once-ler. Once-ler reluctantly begins to tell the tale of how he destroyed all trees. In the beginning though he was an aspiring entrepreneur hoping to find the perfect material for his latest invention The Thneed. He soon comes across the grand, and beautiful Truffula Tree Forest inhabited by a variety of forest animals such as Minion Bears, Minion Fish, and Birds. Of course Illumination were going to shove their Minion formula into this, though this only created annoying side characters that don't add anything. Upon arriving at the forest, Once-ler chops down one of the trees, summoning the titular Lorax.

As Once-ler begins to make his first Thneed, Lorax tries to explain that he can't just cut down the trees with no consequences. Once-ler ignores the furry critter though, and continues his work. That night The Lorax along with the other woodland animals take him in his bed, and float Once-ler down a river hoping that he will just disappear. However, one of the bears is on the bed meaning that Lorax has to stop the bed from going over the waterfall. One pointless scene later, Once-ler promises not to cut down another tree ever, yeah that will last long. Once-ler, Lorax, and the animals all become good friends now as Once-ler attempts to sell his Thneed to the people living in a nearby city. Every time though he gets only tomatoes thrown at him. That is until he decides to give up, and tosses the Thneed. The Thneed lands on a girl's head as a hat, and everyone wants one now. Once-ler at first plans to handle this demand in a Eco-friendly manner by just harvesting the tufts from the Truffula Trees much rather then cutting down the whole tree. That changes though once Once-ler's selfish family arrives, and complaining about the efficiency convince Once-ler to let them chop down trees. Once-ler attempts to defend his actions in the song, "How Bad Can I Be?", which is one of the only memorable parts from the movie to be honest. During the song, Once-ler proceeds to build huge factories that pollute the sky, and water. With the song over, Lorax tries to stop him only for it to be too late, the last tree falls. Along with all the animals, the Lorax leaves, leaving Once-ler in a desolate wasteland. With the story now complete, Once-ler gives a special item to Ted, a single Truffula Tree seed. He is then directed to plant it in the center of town where everyone will see it. It won't be too easy however.

Waiting for him at home is O'Hare who sells air to everyone in Thneedville. He wants to keep Ted from planting the tree due to the fact that the trees produce free air. A drawn out chase scene then happens. At first when Ted proposes that they let the tree grow, the people are against him. Though after using a bulldozer to bring down the wall of Thneedville to show off what the world has become, the people change their minds in the song, "Let it grow". The movie skips to the nearby future where Once-ler is tending to a garden of Truffula Tree saplings. They never explain where the other seeds come from though. As Once-ler finally redeemed himself, The Lorax, along with the woodland animals return. The movie then ends, and what did we learn? We learned that the Truffula Trees would've never came back if it wasn't for Ted being horny. So kids, the lesson here is to always follow your dick.

First things first, if you want to watch an actually good movie about environmentalism, then watch Wall-E instead of this shameless cash grab. The Lorax might entertain children for a short period, but if you want your kids to get anything meaningful out of this movie, you're out of luck. This movie is incredibly forgettable, with me forgetting about major plot points halfway through the movie! The only redeeming quality this movie might have was having Danny Devito as the titular character. However, even he can't save this dumpster fire. The Lorax gets a 1 out of 5 Paws up.

Movie Review: Hop

Jesus didn't die for this

What the actual hell were they thinking when making this movie. Illumination, known infamously for bringing the Minions into the world. In 2011, the company produced a live-action/animation hybrid movie just in time for Easter called Hop. Hop is the story of the son of the Easter Bunny, E.B. who does not want to become a Easter Bunny. E.B. much rather become a professional drummer. The young rabbit teams up with the human Fred who has always been a fan of the Easter Bunny, and trains him to become the first human Easter Bunny. That isn't even the worst part. The worst part is probably the oppressed Mexican chicks that work for the bunnies at their Easter factory, but I'll get more into that in a bit.

The movie opens on portraits of past Easter Bunnies with Fred narrating before saying that the movie we are about to watch is the story of how he became the first human Easter Bunny. There is then a panning shot Easter Island, where underneath the strange heads lives the Easter Bunny, and his entire operation. We are introduced to a young E.B.who we can already tell really likes playing drums, even from a young age. His unnamed father who is only referred to as The Easter Bunny gives young E.B. a tour of the Easter Factory. Here we immediately see the symbolism in this movies as the bunnies exert their white privilege over the Hispanic chicks, and um. I was going somewhere, but then I got distracted because one of the chicks was doing a funny dance haha. In the next scene we see a young Fred spotting the Easter Bunny in his backyard hiding eggs all over the place. After that we cut to twenty years later when Fred is now fully grown into the family disappointment. Like literally everyone in his family has this disgust towards him. Everyone except his supportive sister who sets him up with a job interview, and a place to stay for a couple of weeks. At the same time E.B. decides to run away from home not wanting to become the next Easter Bunny. When Fred is driving to the house he'll be staying at, he accidentally hits E.B. with his car. Though he isn't hurt at all it seems. E.B. however decides to fake an injury, so he can have Fred take him home to take care of him. I should probably add, in the scene before E.B. tries to get into the Playboy Manor saying that he fits the criteria of being "sexy", and a "bunny". You know, for kids!

The next day, Fred finds that E.B. is just fine, and that he's made a huge mess out of the house that he was supposed to make sure nothing happened to. Fred decides to then take E.B., and attempt to ditch him in the wild. It does not work out though as E.B. explains to Fred that he is actually the Easter Bunny, and proves it by shitting jellybeans. I know it's always been a silly joke with kids that jellybeans are rabbit poop, but Illumination didn't have to take that literally! Fred reluctantly decides to allow E.B. to stay with him, but first he needs to go to the job interview that his sister set up for him at a local Video Game Development Company. Though he is half an hour late, Fred is given a tour of the building while the manager interviews him. E.B. seemed fine waiting in the car as well, though he can't stay in the car as it turns out his father had sent the Pink Berets after him. Of course the trio are a homage to Charlie's Angels, another joke in this movie that children will not get. E.B. loses the Pink Berets by going into the building where Fred is doing his interview. Soon enough the rabbit finds his way into the recording studio where a blind blues band is recording their music. E.B. joins in seeing that they are missing a drummer. After the performance, the band tells him that they know he's not their drummer, but he plays great. One of the members can even tell that he's a rabbit as he leaves. Fred ends up not getting the job, but E.B. finds a new opportunity, the band told him that David Hasslehoff is hosting a talent competition, and he should try out. Fred agrees to take E.B. to the tryouts. 

Fred, and E.B. go to the Auditions, and The Hoff approves. Though upon asking David why he isn't phased by the talking rabbit, David replies, "My best friend is a talking car". I'll admit, that part made me laugh a bit, but once again it's a joke that children will not get at all. Later that night Fred attends his younger sister's Easter play. E.B. though interrupts forcing Fred to fake a ventriloquist act, completely upstaging his sister. It is after this that Fred realizes he wants to become the Easter Bunny. Though reluctant E.B. agrees to help him, and queue the training montage. The leader of the chicks, Carlos also has his own training montage as he wants to take over as the Easter Chick. At the end of the montage, the Pink Berets finally figure out where E.B. is. Not wanting to lose his chance at fame playing on David Hasselhoff's show, he quickly fakes his death by dressing up a turkey, and placing in a boiling pot of water. Good thing rabbits are super dumb because this works. Fred is accused of murder, and is taken to Easter Island. Now thinking that E.B. is dead, Carlos puts his plans to work, and steals E.B.'s dad's magic staff that gives him his Easter Bunny powers. E.B. arrives, and is captured, but manages to escape with ease. Same with Fred, and E.B.'s dad. Carlos now morphs into an abomination hybrid of a chick, and bunny. Carlos is about to get away with taking over Easter when E.B. starts playing some nearby crates as drums causing the funny dancing chicken from before to start dancing. The dancing leads to the Easter sleigh crashing, and Carlos is defeated (Yes, I know what I just said). E.B.'s dad then assigns both Fred, and E.B. as co-Easter Bunnies, and all is well, except for Carlos whose species' exploitation will only continue until their untimely possibly factory related demise. Fred's family is also now proud of him for getting a job, even if that job is delivering Easter baskets all around the globe. I know what you're thinking, "what the actual fuck", but yes, that's the end.

Hop is probably one of the most cursed movies I have ever seen. It should've never been. I now want to go back in time, and stop Jesus from dying so then Easter doesn't exist, and with it this damn movie. Peter Rabbit Cottontail is hopping his way into a 2 out of 5 Paws up rating. Happy Easter, don't watch this movie please.

Movie Review: Furry Vengeance

OwO what's this!? A terwibble furry mowvie UwU? Eh, not that kind of furry, sorry.

Apparently Brendan Fraser agreed to star in a family friendly movie back in 2010 about a realty development guy who is harassed by forest animals for 90 minutes. There isn't much else I can say. Please suffer alongside me. If this review seems short by the way, that's because this movie has a bare bones plot with hardly any important moments to go over.

The movie (If you even want to call it that) opens up in a lovely forest located somewhere in Oregon. A groundhog is then almost run over, and it screams like a person. This movie uses a lot of "Loud Noises and Random = Funny" humor. The guy driving the car is so comically evil, he throws a lit cigar out of his window which pisses off the forest animals. In return the animals then push the man, and his car off a cliff. It doesn't kill him though since this movie is for children. We then skip to meet our main character whose name I forgot, so we'll just say Brendan Fraser. He says he loves nature as he watches his team develop some houses in front of him. His wife is more open to appreciate nature though, but his angsty teenage son just wants to go home to Chicago. He leaves to go meet his boss at a nearby airfield where he had parked his private jet. You see, the joke is that they say they're a green company, but they act the opposite! Wow, how funny! Brendan Fraser's boss says that they are going to tear down the entire forest to put up a eco-friendly shopping center with a forest theme, cause haha it's hypocritical, how funny. The animals living in the forest hear about this, and decide to make Brendan Fraser's life a living hell. Literally for the next hour we get repeated scenes. Brendan Fraser wants to do something, Animals get in the way, and cause bodily harm to Brendan Fraser, then Brendan Fraser gets angry; rinse, and repeat until towards the end where Brendan Fraser, and the animals team up to take down his boss who wants to cut down the whole forest. Brendan Fraser becomes a park ranger to protect the forest, and his family loves him. 

This movie is so awful, that it doesn't even feel like a real movie. I don't even want to waste my time going into detail of just how awful it is. I take back everything I said about the Pup Star series. That trilogy is on par with The Godfather compared to this dumpster fire. This movie, is not even worthy of any Paws! For the first time ever in this blog's history, we got a 0 out of 5 Paws up,. I hate this movie

Movie Review: The Luck of the Irish (2001)

You would have to be pretty unlucky to watch this movie

Top o' the morning to ya laddies! 'Tis St. Patrick's Day, the day where all Irishmen, and Americans who claim to be at least 1% Irish get wasted on Baileys and Guinness. Since because it is St. Patrick's Day, what better movie to review then one featuring Leprechauns. One of the first movies to pop into my head was a old Disney Channel Original Movie from the pre-High School Musical era (Which were the only good DCOM movies in my opinion, little me couldn't get enough Zac Effron). Luck of the the Irish is a kid's movie from 2001, and it shows. It is so early 2000s that it actually hurts. The movie is about a young boy, curious about his heritage, he ends up causing trouble for his entire family. Main character also finds out that his dad actually fricked a Leprechaun, so that's something. I forgot, this is also a basketball movie as well because, fuck it, Leprechaun playing basketball.

The movie starts with a weird dream sequence where our main character, Kyle is at the upcoming Heritage Day event at his school, but he is less then a foot tall. After that pointless opening scene, Kyle heads off to his Basketball game. With a lucky shot, he manages to win the game, and his team is set to go to the semi-finals, or something like that. The next day, Kyle is treated like a hero at his school. Everything seems to be going well for him, that is until his classmate, Bonnie starts to continuously harass him about Heritage Day. When he gets home, Kyle tries to ask his parents where they come from, only for his parents to dodge the question in a very suspicious manner. Kyle is forced to do his own investigating now, and finds out that his dad had changed his last name; totally not suspicious at all. Later on Kyle, and his friend Russel, who is the only black kid in the entire school find out there is a Irish Heritage Carnival going on that day. The two boys go there, and come across a strange old man who before leaving shouts out, "Buy the boy, a bag o' spuds!" while tossing some coins that land in a perfect stack. The boys then meet Seamus, a step dance master. With the lively Irish music playing, Kyle can't help, but to do a perfect step dance. Although he ends up falling over, and this is the beginning of his problems. The next morning, Kyle's mother is seen making classic Irish dishes, and talking in a thick Irish accent. She then states the obvious, they're Irish. She didn't want to tell him because she was worried that he would be discriminated against for being Irish, even though discrimination against Irish people is so two centuries ago. While at school, Kyle starts having the most unluckiest day ever, and it gets worse. Due to the fact that he always got baskets in basketball because of luck, Kyle doesn't actually know how to play basketball. Kyle really flops at the semi-finale, but the team still manages to win. The next day at school, absolutely everyone hates him. Now I was never into sports when I went to school, but i'm 99% sure kids don't act like this.

That day Kyle realizes that not only is he getting shorter, but his hair is turning spiky, and red, and his ears are gaining a point at the tips. He rushes home, and finds his mom in her true Leprechaun form. Kyle takes the news that his dad actually fricked a Leprechaun relatively well. His parents explain that they shouldn't be turning though since Kyle has the Lucky Coin he always wears around his neck, which is essentially the luck of the entire clan. Although before he had left the school, a magnet test showed that his was not his coin, as his coin is solid gold, and thus can't be attracted by a magnet. Kyle's mom decides that it must be her father who stole the coin, which makes no sense, why would he steal the coin that keeps him human as long as it's on the youngest clan member's possession. By the way, the old guy Kyle, and Russel saw at the Carnival is actually his grandfather, and owner of the largest potato chip company in the area.Since Kyle's dad is completely human, and won't shrink, he drives Kyle, and his tiny wife to where her father would be, the potato chip factory. Kyle manages to sneak in via blending himself into a convenient field trip group that Bonnie happens to be in. Bonnie finds him, and he explains to her what is happening before they are chased around by a whole team of security guards. Soon enough they are caught, and Kyle meets his grandfather. His grandfather is willing to talk with him as they walk over to where Kyle's mom is. Kyle then mentions that maybe they can ask Seamus if he saw their coin. Grandpa freaks out because turns out Seamus is a evil Leprechaun, so of course he was the one that stole it. They take Grandpa's car, and go to find Seamus, they also pick up Russel along the way. A chase scene starts as the group drives after Seamus before they are stopped by a popped tire. The whole family now doubts that they will be able to get their luck back, but Bonnie decides to motivate them with a history lesson about the Irish arriving in America, and how with hard work they can do anything. Ah yes, the message of this children's movie is, Capitalistic Ideals are good; also that Leprechauns are the most oppressed minority. We also get this great one liner from Russel, as seen in the GIF below.

The rain stops, and Kyle spots a rainbow. Grandpa then begins running with Russel, and Kyle following him to the end of the rainbow. Russel tries to explain to the actual Leprechaun who knows magic that there is no end of the rainbow. Man, I bet Russel felt like a dummy when they find the end of the rainbow, Seamus' RV with the pot of stolen lucky coins in it. With grandpa's help, Kyle gets back his coin. Though grandpa wants to now steal the rest of the coins, leading to a argument which wastes enough time for grandpa to be captured by Seamus. Kyle then makes a bet with Seamus that he can beat him at sports, if Kyle wins then they get the coin, and grandpa back. Agreeing to the terms, Kyle, and Russel are teleported to Ireland where they do ancient Irish sports, such as Hurling. They tie, and since technically Kyle didn't beat Seamus, the coin is taken away, and he threatens to keep his grandpa as his slave forever. Kyle makes another deal, beat him at a game of basketball, and if they win Seamus is sent to the land of his father forever, but if Seamus wins then Kyle will be Seamus' slave. They are then teleported to the big basketball game that the boys were going to do anyway, and no one seems to question what thirty-something year olds are doing in a high school basketball team. At first the game is going in Seamus' favor, but then Russel is given a coin by grandpa, who says the coin is lucky. With the coin, Russel starts getting more points for their team. Turns out though that the coin isn't lucky at all, and it's confidence that makes him good. Kyle sees this, and starts doing his best too. Of course Kyle's team gets the winning score at the last second. At first Seamus thinks he is being sent to Ireland, but nope, Kyle's father is from Cleveland, meaning that Seamus will live in Lake Erie forever. Now it's a happy ending, and stuf- wait, it's not over yet!? Yup now it's time for Heritage Day where Kyle does a Irish dance, and then sings "This Land is Your Land". Most cringe part of the movie to be honest, well aside from when Kyle break dances when he supposed to be dong Irish Step Dancing. After that, then the movie actually ends.

I consider myself pretty lucky I didn't grow up with, well, whatever this was. Personally I think you would need a few pints before you even attempt to watch this. One thing I will give it credit for is that, this movie is fun make fun of. Due to that one redeeming feature, this Disney Channel "classic" gets a 2 out of 5 Paws up.

DescriptioGuinness 

Movie Review: Pup Star: World Tour

This series has really "gone to the dogs"

For anyone that has been following me since the start of this blog, chances are you know about Pup Star. The children's movie franchise I love to hate. If you're new here you can catch up with my Pup Star, and Pup Star: Better 2Gether reviews.The plot follows Tiny as she becomes a first-time judge for the titular Pup Star competition. This time though instead of staying within the United State, Pup Star is going international to find their first ever global champion. Although of course Bark is up to his old tricks again, how will our pint-sized hero stop him this time? Spoiler alert she does almost nothing in this movie.

The movie begins with a animated music video of a song sung by Tiny about singing across the world. We then transition to the Jimmy Kibble show, cause it's funny the second time? It is revealed that not only will Tiny be joining the panel of judges, but for the first time ever, Pup Star is going international. We also meet the families of the other judges, Simon Growl's Dad who of course is in a pub (or do they call it a "Pug" in this universe?), Dog Gnarly's kids who just seem to hang out at school or something like that, and Lady Pawpaw's narcissistic mother from Jersey. Feel free to forget about these characters as they do basically nothing in this movie. We also meet Scrappy, and P.U.P again, having opened his own recording studio. However things won't be that easy as Bark is back. Despite he, and his human partner Roland being arrested at the end of the second movie, they somehow gained control of the prison they were locked up in. When the dog judges begin to board their plane Tiny, and Lou's Dad surprises them by letting Lou go with Tiny. Although um, i'm pretty sure she can't just join at the last minute, cause you know visas, passports, and did she even have her luggage checked? With Lou joining them, the pack flies off to their first destination, India. Here we meet a dog whose name I can't be bothered to remember his name. He has a thick Indian accent, but is able to sound like as if English is his first language when he sings. Simon Growl ends up giving the Indian dog the Golden Bone, so um, they're not even going to listen to the other dogs, or did only one dog show up to this? The next destination is somewhere in South Africa where Dog Gnarly gives his Golden Bone to this dog that sang something about the... Savannah? I can't recall any of the songs, or new names from this mess. Actually the only dog I remember is Ming, from China who Lady Pawpaw gives her Golden Bone to. I mainly remember her because her head is tilted during the entire movie, like what is wrong with that poor dog? Another reason is because of the incredibly insensitive joke they did. Let me set the scene, the group is out having dinner with Ming, and she orders some local cuisine. The waitress then comes to the table with bowls of soup, and what looks like eyeballs in the soup. Good job Disney on that oh so clever "Hurr durr, Chinese people eat everything" joke. Alright, I need to calm down now.

The final country they visit is Mexico where we find out from a separate scene featuring the Nanny, Ida that her favorite Telenovela actor Julio will be trying out for Pup Star. Let me just say now, that it is straight up creepy how obsessed this human woman is with this dog actor. Julio like anyone else on actual reality television comes up with a huge, sad story to earn him empathy with the judges. He then does his singing, and since because no other dogs came to the competition or something, Tiny gives him the Golden Bone. Julio then insists that he stay with Tiny, and Lou at their Chicago home before the finale. Tiny reluctantly agrees, and so Julio goes home with them. Now the way Ida behaves towards this dog sometimes gets oddly... sexual. Like I get it, dogs can talk now, which means they can give consent, which means... holy shit... is bestiality canon in the Pup Star universe? I, um, much rather not think of that right now, let's get back on topic, okay? Julio is making life an absolute hell for his human hosts, and Tiny. Julio going with Bark's plan kisses Tiny in public, tricking P.U.P into thinking that she doesn't love him anymore. This stunt also gets Tiny's manager fired. Meanwhile while all of this is happening, all those family members I mentioned before have been dognapped by Bark, and his henchdog, and man. The second part of Bark's plan is to hold the judges' families hostage, so then they have no choice, but to make Julio (Technically Bark) the new Pup Star Champion. Back at home Lou catches a video of Julio singing terribly in the shower proving that he has been lip-syncing the whole time. Though Lou won't share this information with Tiny until towards the end of the movie.

Scrappy is the last dog to be dognapped, but P.U.P is able to break into the jail, and free everyone. How? By winning... a rap battle. Like, what? Meanwhile at the Pup Star finale, Tiny's manager is able to find the recording booth that Bark is in, but before he can tell anyone, he is captured. Lou finds Bark, and tries to tell Tiny about his plan, but he decides to reveal himself instead. Tiny, and the judges are not allowed to do anything because they think that their family members are still trapped. During Julio's solo performance P.U.P arrives, and stops Julio showing everyone that he is a fraud. Tiny, and the judges also learn that all their family members are safe now. Although given the crazy circumstances the producers have to cancel choosing a champion this year. They just can't wait until next week, or something? Tiny reassures everyone though that it doesn't matter who the champion is, the only thing that matters is singing for the whole world, and what could be better then that? Says the dog who won two years in a row. With the group all singing the song from the very beginning of the movie, this garbage fire finally ends.

How is it even possible for this movie to be worse then the previous two combined? If it were possible I would give this movie a -5 out of 5 Paws up. Although since I don't do negative scoring, the best thing I can do is give this a 1 out of 5 Paws up. If you have young children, and Netflix there are hundreds of better movies, and shows to put on for your child then this trilogy. 

Movie Review: The Velocipastor

This is the only religious movie you'll get me to watch unironically

A couple years ago, some genius decided to make a action-thriller movie on a $35,000 budget. The end result? Surprisingly good. The Velocipastor is a movie about a young pastor who suddenly loses his parents. He then goes on a trip to China where he is cursed to becoming a killer dinosaur whenever he is angry, or hungry. Along the way, a hooker convinces him to become a vigilante, and fight evil; which includes drug dealing ninjas. If that description alone piques your interest then strap in, you're in for a wild ride.

Our movie begins introducing us to our protagonist, Doug Jones. He finishes up his sermon for the day, and heads outside where his parents are across the street waiting for him. Suddenly though their car blows up, killing them. Doug cries in anguish as we see a hilarious visual, or lack of one. Where the burning car should be is instead a piece of text that reads, 'VFX: Car on Fire'. It is with this that one can easily figure out that this movie is not going to take itself seriously, and have fun with it's outrageous plot. His fellow pastor, Father Stewart comforts him explaining that maybe he should take a trip. We then cut to "China", which i'm pretty sure was just a nearby park. Doug is wandering around the forest when a woman falls before him, a arrow in her chest. He is then given a mysterious stone that he cuts himself on. We then cut to a different scene in which Doug wakes up in bed, and it reveals that the last scene was a flashback which comes back to him as a nightmare. Needing some fresh air, he leaves, and we are introduced to Carol. Carol is studying to become a doctor-lawyer, but with her student debt she is forced to be a prostitute to the cruel pimp, Frankie Mermaid (Named that because he's always swimming in bitches he says). Suddenly it is night, and Carol is doing her work in a park. She is then attacked by a thug, but before anything can happen to her, coincidentally Doug was in that same park. He suddenly transforms for the first time into his new dinosaur form, and rips apart the attacker, saving Carol. 

The next morning, Doug wakes up in Carol's bed naked, immediately he thinks that they must of had sex. Carol tries to remind him of what he did, but he doesn't believe her until she shows him the remains of the attacker. Carol then tries to convince Doug that it doesn't need to be a bad thing, that he can use this power for good, and get rid of all the bad people in the world.Of course being a man of God, Doug refuses, and runs back to his church in time for him to host the confessions booth. On the other side of the booth however is Frankie, Carol's pimp. He begins to brag about all the comically evil deeds he's done such as stealing candy from a baby, then killing said baby so it doesn't snitch, dealing drugs, pimping, killing people. Frankie then brings up something he shouldn't have, he confesses to be the one behind Doug's parent's death. This enrages Doug, and causes him to turn into his arm into dinosaur claws which he uses to slice Frankie's throat. He rushes back to Carol afterwards, and tells her that he is ready to become a vigilante, he also tells her who he killed. Carol thanks him, and a montage begins. During this montage, Doug, and Carol grow closer together as they kill criminals together. At the end of the montage, we are introduced to our main villain of the story, Wei Chan, a Chinese drug dealer. Upon hearing that their dealers are being killed by Doug, he sends his ninja assassins to try, and kill him. Although we won't see the ninjas until later. Everything seems to be going fine for Carol, and Doug, but soon enough Father Stewart notices that something is strange with Doug. Doug then tries to explain to him that he has the ability to turn into a dinosaur, and he fights bad guys. Upon hearing this Father Stewart decides to call an old friend of his to perform an exorcism on Doug. We also get a flashback of how Father Stewart knows the exorcist, Altair. He flashes back to when they were both in Vietnam, they both share inspiring words with each other before Altair is shot, and killed (Even though he is still alive, but they never explain how). Later on as he tries to write a letter to Altair's parents telling them of the tragedy, Stewart's wife is then suddenly there. She runs towards him, accidentally stepping onto a mine, exploding everywhere, end of flashback.

The exorcism goes terribly, and Father Stewart is disemboweled by Doug. Doug then escapes, and is confronted by the ninjas. He defeats them easily, and returns to Carol where they proceed to have PG-13 sex, like normal sex, but their underwear stays on. He's also back to his human self mind you. The next morning, the two are ambushed by more ninjas. Here we find out that Carol is good at fighting too. The two find out where the ninjas came from, and head off. We then cut to Stewart who is actually alive. He was healed by the drug dealing ninja leader. Here he reveals his plan to Father Stewart. Get the people addicted to cocaine, then cut it, then they'll seek religious help groups, convert them to Christianity, and take over the world. Father Stewart does not approve of the plan however, and because of this Wei Chan kills him. Shortly afterwards, Doug, and Carol arrive. They both take down ninja after ninja, before a huge bombshell reveal happens. The only white ninja approaches Doug, and reveals that he is actually his brother, Sam. The two brothers then begin to fight to the death. Sam tries to use "the sword of ancestors" to kill Doug, but Doug makes the sword fly to his hand instead, saying, "your ancestors are my ancestors!", and with that he kills Sam. Poor Sam, he just wanted to be acknowledged. Meanwhile Carol is fighting off a bunch of ninjas, though things go badly quick as as a sword wielding ninja comes to fight her. He slashes her across the chest. Carol now lays in Doug's arms dying. Upon her dying he unleashes his rage, and slaughters all the ninjas. Wei Chan then shoots him in the leg with a arrow, causing him to revert back to a human. The drug lord is about to kill him when it turns out Doug's arms are still in Dinosaur form. He then proceeds to rip of his head, which for comedic purposes had been replaced with an obvious dummy head. The next scene, he is in a hospital where it turns out Carol is going to be just fine. In the final scene of the movie we find out that he has been excommunicated from the church, but despite that he is still going to fight in order to bring peace to the world, along with Carol.

Velocipastor is not for everyone that is for sure. This movie is targeted to those that don't care too much about quality, and just want a good laugh, and I respect it for that. This movie has cult classic written all over it. If you're the kind of person that enjoys really out there humor, and genre parodies, then I think you'll get a kick out of this. Overall, Velocipastor is a bonkers movie that deserves attention, I give it a 4 out of 5 Paws up!

Movie Review: Ghost Rider

This Nick Cage flick isn't much of a National Treasure

Many people nowadays may not know, but there was a time where good comic book movies, didn't exist. This is one of those bad movies from the era. Released in 2007, now 13 years ago, Nicholas Cage stars as the stunt motorcyclist Johnny Blaze, who after making a deal with the devil is forced to become The Spirit of Vengeance, Ghost Rider. The movie itself is pretty forgettable, and sometimes even boring. That's pretty bad when your Ghost Rider movie is forgettable, and boring.

The movie starts with a voice over of a old man talking about legends. He tells the tale of a Ghost Rider, who back in the old west took a dangerous contract from the devil, and rode away with it, for well, I forgot why. We then transition to about 100 years later, and we are introduced to Johnny Blaze, and his father who are both stunt motorcyclists for a carnival. Johnny finds out his dad has lung cancer, and while working on his bike he is visited by the devil himself. Well in this movie he's called Mephistopheles, but he's basically the devil. He makes a deal with Johnny to cure his father in return for his soul, Johnny accepts. The next day his father is healthy again, but as he goes to do his next stunt, he perishes in a horrible accident. Mephistopheles claims that he couldn't have his father coming in between them, because eventually in the future he is going to call forth Johnny to do a task for him. Johnny then abandons his girlfriend, and drives away before transitioning to the present (2007). Johnny Blaze is now a professional stunt motorcyclist known for his death defying acts. Johnny believes that this is simply because Mephistopheles is trying to keep him alive, so he keeps on upping the danger in hopes of regaining some control over his life. Johnny now prepares for his biggest stunt yet, jumping over an entire football field, and three military helicopters. Before the stunt, he reunites with his old girlfriend, Roxanne, who is now a news reporter. After she leaves, he goes to do his stunt, which goes flawlessly. Immediately afterwards, he chases down Roxanne's news truck, and harasses her until she agrees to go on a date with him later that night. Of course though, not all will go to plan.

After this scene, we are introduced to the main villain of the story, with an unnecessary jump scare; we get it, you're evil. He then proceeds to murder an entire bar in the middle of nowhere filled with bikers. Shortly after we cut back to Nicholas Cage, and his uninteresting adventures. That night when Johnny is supposed to meet Roxanne for their date, he is instead approached by Mephistopheles. Mephistopheles tells him that his son, Blackheart (I'm pretty sure that was the name of a Care Bears villain), is loose on Earth with three fallen angels, and they want to find the forbidden contract, or whatever. He appoints Johnny as his new Ghost Rider, and forces him to a train yard. He also promises that if Johnny can defeat Blackheart, he will return his soul. Once Johnny arrives at the train yard, we get a very Nicholas Cage performance as he overacts his way into becoming the titular Ghost Rider. After the transformation, he goes to fight Blackheart, and his angels. During their first fight, he is only able to kill the Earth Angel. After that he changes the form of his bike, and rides off upon sensing someone sinning. He comes across a random fat goth girl (upon doing some research, turns out that girl was Rebel Wilson in one of her first acting roles) being mugged by a thug. Ghost Rider then uses one of his new abilities, The Penance Stare on him. The stare makes it so then he can look into a sinner's soul, and burn them from the inside, killing them instantly. Ghost Rider then rides off until he turns back to normal, and at the same time arrives at a graveyard where it just so happens there is a guy there who can help him. The man is called, The Caretaker, and he knows all about Johnny's Ghost Rider stuff. Caretaker explains that he will take on the form every night, especially if he is around evil or sin..

Later that day, Roxanne comes to apartment to ask why he missed their date. Johnny tells the truth, he is The Devil's Bounty Hunter now. Of course, she does not believe him at all, and leaves. Later that night as he is doing some research, the police arrest him, accusing him of the murders at the biker bar. Of course when placed into the holding cell full of evil, he transforms into Ghost Rider. Escaping the police he then goes to fight the second Fallen Angel, an Angel of wind. He manages to defeat him by creating a fire tornado with his chain whip. Roxanne also sees him in this form, and believes his story. Johnny then returns to the Caretaker for more exposition. Returning home, Johnny finds Blackheart has killed his friend, and kidnapped Roxanne. Since Blackheart has no soul to burn, the only way he can save Roxanne is if he brings Blackheart the forbidden contract. Johnny returns to the Caretaker. The Caretaker then reveals that he was the Ghost Rider who had stolen the contract, as if that wasn't obvious. Caretaker gives him the contract saying that since his deal was made for love of his father rather then greed, he should be able to win. They both ride off to the abandoned village where the contract came from, and The Caretaker then disappears because, I don't know. Before arriving at the town, he manages to kill the Water Angel. Blackheart then steals the contract, reading from it, and releasing thousands of dammed souls. Blackheart absorbs the souls, making him very powerful, especially with the sun rising rendering Johnny powerless. Thanks to good timing, and plot armor however, he manages to get into some shadows, which brings back his powers, then he uses the Penance Stare on Blackheart. Since Blackheart absorbed all the souls, it allows Johnny to burn them, thus killing Blackheart. Mephistopheles returns, and says Johnny can have his soul back now, but Johnny refuses. He decides to instead become a vigilante in hopes that one day he will be strong enough to kill Mephistopheles. Johnny, and Roxanne then ride off into the distance, and that's the end of the movie.

For a movie about a skeletal stunt biker killing demons, man is it boring. The effects have also aged like fine milk. I've seen amateur visual artists on YouTube that can do better! If you're in the mood for a Nicholas Cage movie though, then maybe give this a watch. Otherwise, please leave it buried in the early 2000s where it belongs. This cheesy superhero flick gets a 1 out of 5 Paws up.

Movie Review: The Star Wars Holiday Special

Let's bury this special in a galaxy, far, far away...

With Rise of Skywalker releasing later this month, and with Christmas right after it, it's only right that I review something both Star Wars, and holiday themed. Oh, I have made a grave mistake. A year after the release of the critically acclaimed space-opera action adventure film, Star Wars (Later given the subtitle, A New Hope) in 1977, and with the sequel coming out soon, Lucas saw the opportunity for a special film. While making the first movie, Lucas toyed around with the idea of a movie centered around Wookies (The dog-bear-like alien race that Chewbacca is of), this TV special would bring that idea to life as well as develop hype for the upcoming The Empire Strikes Back. As the legend goes however, the special was only shown on television once, then never again because of just how terrible it was. Now 40 years later, I have uncovered the monstrosity, and for the sake of my readers, I... I subjected myself to it's horror. I present, The Star Wars Holiday Special.

The movie is about Han escorting Chewie to his home planet Kashyyyk (Good luck pronouncing that) while for the annual holiday Life Day. Yes, that is literally what the Star War's equivalent of Christmas is. Although the duo are being chased by Imperial forces. They don't matter too much in this special however, as most of the time will be spent with Chewbacca's family who are waiting for his return. The audience is introduced to his wife, Malla (I could've sworn it was Paula, but that's what the cast list says), his father, Itchy, and his young son, Lumpy. We see them in their surprisingly contemporary home complete with electricity, and a functioning kitchen. Now you would think in a movie centered around Wookies who can only communicate in growls and howls that maybe they would provide subtitles for the people at home... NOPE! Hope you like Wookie sounds because that's what you're going to get for the next hour and a half! Lumpy is shown to be a little jerk, annoying his grandpa who seems to be trying to carve a wooden ship. This goes on for a bit, until we reach our first segment of the special. Lumpy goes over to the holographic table, and starts to watch what seems to be some acrobats doing tricks. This would be cool, and all if it didn't drag on for so long! Wait... what do you mean that part was only 3 minutes long!?

After whatever that was, Malla Skype calls Luke to ask if Chewie had left yet. Luke reassures her that Chewie will make it, especially since he has Han with him. After hanging up, Malla then calls the local trading post as the Wookie family is good friends with the man who runs it. Though from what they saw on the video call, The Empire is searching around the planet for Rebels, mainly Chewie and Han. We then get an actual scene stolen straight from A New Hope with Darth Vader walking down a hallway with a commander; except it's dubbed over with new audio. In fact all the scenes with the Millennium Falcon, or space in general are all reused shots from A New Hope. With that out of the way, we get to our next segment. I actually somewhat enjoyed this one because of how wacky, and over-the-top it was. Malla decides to start preparing their Life Day dinner by following a recipe video led by a very Julia Child-esque character. Not even ten minutes later we get not only our next segment, but also our first musical number; that's right OUR FIRST. The trading post guy stops by with presents for the whole Wookie family, we first get to see Itchy's gift after the trading post guy sets it up for Itchy. Alright, i'm not going to be subtle... it's porn. The trading post guy set up porn for the grandpa Wookie to watch on his VR headset.

The sexy VR lady sings to Itchy for nearly five minutes before we return to the main plot (If you can even call it that). Malla calls Leia to ask what could be taking the two so long to get there, at least that's what I think. Leia, just like Luke though reassures her that they will be okay. Just then a group of Imperial soldiers break into the Wookies home to try and find Chewie. The trading post guy manages to distract them for a bit with a holographic music video of some band from the time. After that Lumpy decides that now is the perfect time to watch his cartoon. The cartoon being literally about Luke, Leia, and the rest of the gang. How awkward would it be watching a cartoon about your own father and his friends having to save the day. The cartoon was decent actually, it was nice that they actually had the actual actors voice their characters instead of getting other voice actors that could do a decent impression. The cartoon itself served more as a hype tool for the upcoming The Empire Strikes back by introducing Boba Fett, the Mandalorian Bounty Hunter (Not to be confused with the titular character from Disney+'s The Mandalorian series). 

Now with the show over, Lumpy is sent to his room after the Imperial guards mess it up. He manages though to find a translation device kit (I had to look up that bit of info because I had no idea what was going on, I thought it was a communication device of some sort though). Lumpy then watches a tutorial video of how to set it up, hosted by a malfunctioning droid. Meanwhile we cut over to Tatooine for some reason to the iconic cantina for a segment that's ten minutes, but feels almost as long as this whole special. I don't even want to bother talking about what happened during that segment, it was so boring, and felt like it would go on forever. On the bright side however, with that segment over we are finally in the home stretch, just nearly twenty more minutes of this crap until we can be free! Lumpy finally finishes setting up the device, and uses it to trick the guards into leaving. Though a Stormtrooper stayed behind to keep an eye out. Luckily Chewie, and Han come to the rescue. After defeating the Stormtrooper, Han leaves Chewie for a moment and allows him to spend time with his family. Something strange then happens.

The Wookie family huddle close, and raise some candle looking things, then suddenly they're in robes, and on a starry path, what? At the end of the path all our friends are here, Han, Luke, Leia, the Droids, and an assortment of other random Wookies. Leia then starts singing a traditional Life Day song, at least her voice isn't bad. With the ending of the song comes finally, the ending of the movie. Never before had I been more happy to see end credits. 

The Star Wars Holiday Special is a movie that will be remembered in infamy, for numerous reasons. If I started listing what was wrong with the movie though we'd be here all day! You can try to watch it, and enjoy it in a ironic way, but no, it is too painful. All I know is, i'll never complain about the Prequels again, heck the Prequels look like Citizen Kane compared to this! Remember folks, we only have a limited amount of time in this life, do not waste it. Overall, The Star Wars Holiday Special gets a 5 out of 5 paws up... wait... well in meme points anyway. The real score is 1 out of 5 paws up.