Movie Review: Clash of the Titans (1981)

At least it's better then the Percy Jackson movies

June 1981, one of the most popular movies of the decade was released, Clash of the Titans. The story is loosely based on the Greek myth of Perseus, one of Zeus' many children. In the movie we watch as Perseus conquers many notable monsters of Greek myth, such as; Medusa, The Kraken, and... some random ugly guy who is angry cause he can't get laid with the princess. In his journey Perseus is also joined by, Pegasus, Greek Obi-Wan Kenobi, and the best character, a robot owl. Enough talk, let's get into this review.

Clash of the Titans opens on the king of Argos literally yeeting his daughter, and just born grandson into the ocean because he was jealous that Zeus banged her or something. Of course this upsets the mighty Olympic God, and he orders Poseidon to make his ocean take the yeeted humans and get them to a safe island far away from Argos. Zeus then commands the Kraken be released onto the kingdom of Argos. Here I was expecting a giant squid, but instead the Kraken looks more like a aquatic King Kong reject. The woman, and her son which she named Perseus live out their lives among a peaceful nudist colony. I'm saying that because these people are literally not wearing any clothes. The movie then skips forward, I don't know, 20 years? At least in the future the island people finally decided to put on some clothes. We cut back to Olympus, home of the Greek Gods who just stand around an almost empty room, and kinda do nothing. At least until ancient Karen, or Thetis (I will be referring to her as Karen throughout this review though), the other ruler of the sea complains to Zeus that he shouldn't punish her son Calibos for literally driving the Pegasus species to extinction. Zeus decides instead of killing him, Calibos will instead become a deformed monster. This upsets Goddess Karen so much though as he was supposed to marry the beautiful Princess Andromeda of Joppa. As revenge Thetis kinda takes Perseus, and teleport him to Joppa? I really don't know what her idea here was, like all she did was give him a free ride across the sea. Shortly after being teleported, Perseus meets Greek Obi-Wan Kenobi who runs the abandoned amphitheater. Perseus is also given three gifts from the Gods, a helmet of invisibility, a unbreakable golden sword, and... a regular ass shield. With his godly gear equipped, and new sidekick in tow, Perseus begins his adventure.

Arriving in town, Perseus learns that Princess Andromeda is under a curse that makes it so then no one can marry her unless they can solve a randomly generated riddle. If the challenger fails, then they are burned at the stake, yeesh, and here I thought I was bad at dating. Perseus, using the helmet of invisibility sneaks into Andromeda's room, and watches her sleep. He then watches as her spirit is taken by a giant vulture to Calibos' swamp where he tells her the new riddle of the day. Perseus wanting to save her asks Obi-Wan for help. Obi-Wan reveals that there is a single Pegasus left, and that Perseus should tame it so then he can save the Princess from Calibos' curse. Luckily Perseus is the main character, so taming Pegasus is super easy. With Pegasus caught, he is able to follow the giant vulture to Calibos' lair. Perseus though is spotted by Calibos who attempts to kill him. Once again, because Perseus is the main character, despite having zero sword training is able to cut off Calibos' hand. The next day, Perseus confronts the Queen of Joppa, and asks for Andromeda's hand in marriage. Though he has to solve the riddle first. The solution turns out to be the ring on Calibos severed hand. Everyone is happy as the Princess can finally be married off, especially to someone like Perseus. Calibos still alive however, begs his mother, Karen to get revenge for him. She can't hurt Perseus though as he is Zeus' son, but decides to go for the next best thing. She demands that in a month, Princess Andromeda is to be sacrificed to the dreaded Kraken, or else the monster will destroy Joppa like it destroyed Argos. Perseus now sets off on a quest to find a way to kill the Kraken. Zeus is confidant that Perseus will win the day, but just to make sure he asks Athena to send her loyal owl Bubo to assist the hero.Athena not wanting to part from her best friend though has Hephaestus create a robot in the likeness of Bubo, and sends the machine to do the Owl's job of guiding Perseus. This is the origin story for the best character in the whole movie, Bubo, the Robot Owl.

Perseus' quest takes him, and a few soldiers of Joppa up a mountain where they meet a trio of witches. Thanks to Bubo's help, he steals the witches' magic eyeball thing, and threatens to break it if they don't tell him how to defeat the Kraken. Perseus is then told that he could try to use Medusa against the Kraken as her stare turns anything into stone. Though they warn that no one has ever come back alive from Medusa's lair. Perseus, and crew now head off to go find Medusa's lair, Perseus is also given a special cloak that is immune to Medusa's acidic blood. Some travelling later, they finally arrive, but are attacked by a large two-headed wolf. After killing the wolf, Perseus, and his men enter Medusa's lair. Using the shield as a mirror to look at her without turning into stone, Perseus is able to successfully decapitate the gorgon. On their way back to Joppa, Calibos returns, summoning giant scorpions to kill Perseus, and the remaining soldiers. Calibos is finally killed by Perseus, though what Perseus doesn't know is that Pegasus had been captured by Calibos' men earlier, so it's Bubo to the rescue. Bubo frees Pegasus who returns to Perseus' side as they fly off to go save Andromeda as it is now time to sacrifice her. He arrives just in time, and whips out Medusa's head which turns the mighty Kraken into solid stone. Poor Poseidon though, the Kraken was essentially his pet. Everyone celebrates as Perseus, and Andromeda finally get to be married. Here's a small fun detail during this scene. As earlier Bubo fell onto a rock while helping Perseus fight the Kraken, and got injured, so in this scene the owl can be seen with a crutch, and a leg cast, which I find oddly adorable, and hilarious. Zeus then names a bunch of stars after the characters in the movie before credits finally roll. Personally though, Bubo was the real hero in this movie, when Perseus accidentally dropped the head into the ocean, who got it? Bubo did. Without him, everyone would be dead, so remember folks. He toot, he poot, but most importantly, he hoot.

Personally I thought this movie was okay, like it isn't the absolute most greatest movie I've ever seen, but it isn't the worst. The stop-motion is mostly what saves this boring quest. When I say boring, I mean as in some scenes just drag on without any purpose, I just want to check the time every 5 minutes, wondering when it will just end. Of course, I didn't grow up with the movie, so if you happen to like this, then good for you. As for me, this classic mythological tale gets a 3 out of 5 Paws up from me.

Movie Review: Flash Gordon

Just like opening up a racist time capsule

I know it's been forever since I made my last post, but I think now is a good time to pick up where we left off. With my return, we are going to be looking at the 1980s adaptation of the comic strip series, Flash Gordon. The story centers around a star Quarterback, who with a random lady, and a eccentric scientist work together to save not only the Earth, but the people of the planet Mongo as well. Be warned though that this movie portrays a lot of outdated cultural references, and a white guy in yellow face. What would be a decent, and cheesy sci-fi movie is bogged down by it's racist heritage. 

The movie opens introducing us to our main villain, Ming the Merciless who decides to use his weather controlling buttons to mess around with Earth before making the Moon slowly descend towards the planet to destroy it. After that brief scene, we then get a awesome title credits sequence with music by the band QUEEN playing in the background. QUEEN was actually responsible for almost all the music in the film, which I admit is a huge redeeming factor for this movie. After the opening credits we are introduced to our hero, Flash Gordon who at this time is the star quarterback of The New York Jets. On a plane ride, he meets Dale Arden, a travel agent who doesn't like air travel. Flash flirts with her, and after three minutes, she becomes way into him.Suddenly the pilots disappear, making Flash have to land the plane himself. Back down on ground, the ex-NASA scientist Zarkov, is trying to get his assistant to get on the rocket, and stop whoever is causing the strange natural disasters. The assistant runs off however. Though that is when Gordon, and Dale crash into Zarkov's lab. Luckily the two know who Zarkov already is, the ex-NASA scientist who was fired for being crazy. Zarkov then tricks Flash, and Dale onto his rocket, and starts it, launching the trio into space. The spaceship lands on the planet, Mongo, and the trio is promptly captured by Ming's forces. There is a useless scene where Flash does his football stuff in Ming's palace. Afterwards, Ming orders for Flash's execution, and Dale to become a new member of his harem. Zarkov is also taken to be brainwashed, and his memories wiped. Flash is seemingly killed, but saved by Ming's daughter, Aura, who is attracted to him despite being engaged. Aura is essentially a Space Thot. 

Aura then teaches Flash how to use telepathy to communicate with Dale, and is taken to meet some Robin-Hood looking people who's passage into adulthood ceremony involves sticking your hand into a tree to see if you get stung or not by an incredibly dangerous scorpion like creature.There the leader Barin, who is engaged to Aura, promises that he will not kill Flash. Sure enough Barin is not allowed to kill Flash, but nothing said that he couldn't instead challenge Flash to stick his hand into the pain tree. The two take turns putting their hands into the tree. Flash then pretends to be stung, and uses it to launch a surprise attack against Barin. He escapes for a little bit before both he, and Barin are captured by the Hawk People. To be honest though, the Hawk People just look like they belong in a Gay Biker Gang. Meanwhile back at Ming's Palace though, Klytus, the leader of Ming's secret Police force had spotted Aura helping Flash escape. Dale, and Zarkov also escape from the palace. Is it just me, or should Ming invest in a better security system? However shortly after escaping Zarkov reveals how he was able to resist the brainwashing by reciting Shakespeare. Literally just a couple minutes later, The two are captured by the Hawk People as well. At the Sky Castle our trio of heroes are reunited. Though it is short lived as the leader of the Hawk People, Vultan then demands that Barin, and Flash fight to the death, and i'm pretty dang sure that Game of Thrones stole this scene in the first or second season. The fight ends with Barin nearly falling into the void below, but Flash saves him, winning Barin's loyalty.

Back on Mongo, Klytus tortures Aura until she tells him where Flash is. Her father, Ming also decides to exile her after he marries Dale. Now Klytus arrives at the Sky Castle, and is promptly killed by Flash. Vultan, and his Hawk People then evacuate the castle as Ming will surely come to destroy them. Ming does arrive, and captures Dale, and Zarkov. Though before leaving he attempts to negotiate with Flash to stop, and in return he'll stop the destruction of Earth, and appoint Flash as the ruler. Flash turns down the offer however, and Ming leaves so he can blow up the Sky Castle. Flash is able to escape in the nick of time however as he finds a flying jet-ski, a space-ski? I don't know. Flash regroups with the Hawk People, as well as Barin, and his people, and makes a plan to defeat Ming. Vultan finally decides to team up with Flash to help him. Working together, Flash, and the Hawk People are able to take over one of Ming's warships. Flash prepares to sacrifice himself to save everyone, but that doesn't quite go to plan as Barin is able to lower the Palace's shields making Flash able to crash the ship into the pa;ace safely. Yes, I know what I just said. Ming is impaled on the tip of the ship, and shortly dies afterwards meaning that both Earth, and Mongo are saved. Barin, and Aura now rule over the planet bringing in a era of peace. Flash, Dale, and Zarkov then wonder if they'll ever be able to return to Earth. Oh well, everyone probably assumed you died in the airplane crash anyway. Other then that, it's a happy ending to the movie.

I swear I didn't edit this

If it weren't for the historical context, I would probably give this movie a higher rating. I try to look at this movie with an unbiased look, but seeing all the racist stuff going on behind, and on scene, I can't get over it. Because of the series' origins, and just being cheesy in general, Flash Gordon is getting a 2 out of 5 paws up.