Movie Review: ThanksKilling

Gobble, gobble Motherf#%@er!

Where do I even begin? Well, I suppose first off, I know it's November 1st, I know I promised that I would go back to my normal content after Halloween. Let's be real though, the first half of November is just October 2. It is because of this for our last horror movie review we will be watching ThanksKilling, mainly to help transition from Spooky Month to Thanksgiving. The movie is exactly what you expect, a killer turkey killing off a group of college teens on Thanksgiving break. Oh yeah, this review is already guaranteed to be NSFW (Not Safe For Work for the Boomers reading this).Moms, and Grandmas beware this movie is not for the lighthearted!

The movie opens up moments after the first Thanksgiving with the bare nipple of a pilgrim woman, so at least we can't accuse the movie of false advertisement, boobs in the first second. The woman is being chased by a demonic turkey, who after thinking she's safe the turkey jumps on her yelling, "Nice tits, bitch!" before killing her with a hatchet. This is actually a great scene, it really let's you set your expectations for the rest of the film, those expectations being absolute shit. We then transition a few centuries later to modern days (2008) at a university where everyone is just getting off for Thanksgiving break, the audience is then introduced to our main characters; Johnny (The Jock), Billy (The Redneck), Ali (The... Harlot... yeah let's go with that), Kristen (The Good Girl), and Darren (The Nerd). They all load up into Johnny's Jeep, and make their way their hometown, which I think was unnamed in the movie. On their way there, the car breaks down forcing them to camp out for the night. Around a campfire, Darren tells the group the story of the Native American Shaman, Featherbutt (Yes, that is the name they gave him), who was dishonored by a Pilgrim man, so in a act of vengeance Featherbutt created Turkie, the demonic turkey who is said to rise every five-hundred and fifty-five years to kill any Caucasian he comes across, and wouldn't you know it, it's been five-hundred and fifty-five years since then. We cut to a Hermit walking with his dog in the forest, when his dog runs off ahead of him. The dog comes across Turkie's totem, which is randomly on the ground for some reason, and of course the dog pees on it causing Turkie to reawaken, and kill the dog (Where's John Wick when you need him?). The Hermit who is named Oscar comes across his dog's corpse, vowing to kill Turkie, no matter what.

Kristen is attacked by Turkie, but escapes, and tries to tell everyone else about it, but no one believes her. The next morning, Billy wakes up to Oscar, the hermit standing over him saying that Turkie was about to kill him when he scared him away. Billy also finds that Turkie left what seemed like droppings on top of him. Billy attempts to warn everyone else that the killer turkey is real, but of course no one, but Kristen believes him. Later that night after dropping everyone else off at their houses, Johnny goes home and reconciles with his father, of course as soon as he does that though Turkie comes by, and murders both his mother, and father. Everyone meets up at Ali's house hoping that they can save her, though they are too late. Ali's boyfriend is just pounding away when he gets his throat slit by Turkie, and Turkie takes his place (Trust me you don't want the visuals). He finishes yelling, "You just got stuffed!", and snaps her neck. Upon finding her body, the group decide to go to Kristen's house as her father owns a large library in his garage, so he might have a book on how to kill Turkie. Turkie makes it to Kristen's house before them though, and disguised with a Groucho Marx glasses he tricks her father into letting him wait inside while Kristen gets there. The scene ends when Turkie is about to leave, but Kristen's father calls him a duck, which angers Turkie enough to murder the old man. The group soon make it to the house, and behind the door is Turkie wearing Kristen's father's skinned face as a mask. It works though, and the group goes into the garage to do research. They finally find the book, and find out that they need to remove the totem from Turkie, so he can be killed. Turkie unveils himself as Billy walks in on Turkie attempting to dispose the body of Kristen's father. Billy puts him into a headlock which allows Kristen to get his totem before he escapes. 

Billy leaves the house shortly after to find something to eat, while the rest of the group continue reading the book on how to kill Turkie. It's actually quite simple they say, find his tepee, recite a demonic prayer backwards, and set him on fire at the stake, yeah simple enough. However they realize that Billy is in danger since he went off by himself. Billy somehow manages to swallow Turkie whole, and Turkie blows his way out using a shotgun saying the famous, "Gobble, gobble motherfucker!", and "Now that's what I call fowl play!". The group find Billy's body shortly after with Darren going into a short musical number about how Billy was his best friend, and now he's his dead best friend (I'd be lying if I said this part was not entertaining). Leaving Billy's corpse behind, because fuck everyone else in the neighborhood, the group makes their way to Turkie's tepee, which is conveniently located at the side of the road. They successfully recite the demonic prayer, and prepare to burn him, but Turkie escapes, but in trying to escape Oscar shoots Turkie into a trash can. Thinking he is dead, the group head home to watch a movie. Johnny, and Kristen confess their feelings for each other, and it all seems like a happy ending, but there's a slight problem. The trashcan they shot Turkie into was filled with radioactive waste, which revives Turkie. First he kills off Darren, ripping out his tongue, and pecking out his heart. Turkie stabs Johnny with a electric carver, before Kristen slaps him. the two retreat to a shed where Kristen then lights Turkie on fire with the classic spray and lighter combo. Johnny succumbs to his wounds, and seeing that Turkie still isn't dead, she hits him with a pipe sending him into a conveniently placed bonfire. A turkey leg is launched out, and Kristen eats it in victory. Flash forward to Thanksgiving Day, a family is having a great time until the cooked turkey hops up yelling, "Do I smell a sequel, beotch?!", and jumps at the camera ending the movie. That was... very special...

ThanksKilling is one hell of a movie that's for sure. Despite just how bad it is, it's almost good because of how bad it is. Whether you're laughing with it, or at it, it makes for a pretty good spoof on generic low-budget slasher horror. Just get absolutely baked with a buddy, and watch this film. By the way, if I get enough requests, I will review the sequel, ThanksKilling 3 (They skipped 2 because apparently it was the worst thing ever). Anyway this killer Turkey gets a humble score of 2 out of 5 paws up!