Let's bury this special in a galaxy, far, far away...
With Rise of Skywalker releasing later this month, and with Christmas right after it, it's only right that I review something both Star Wars, and holiday themed. Oh, I have made a grave mistake. A year after the release of the critically acclaimed space-opera action adventure film, Star Wars (Later given the subtitle, A New Hope) in 1977, and with the sequel coming out soon, Lucas saw the opportunity for a special film. While making the first movie, Lucas toyed around with the idea of a movie centered around Wookies (The dog-bear-like alien race that Chewbacca is of), this TV special would bring that idea to life as well as develop hype for the upcoming The Empire Strikes Back. As the legend goes however, the special was only shown on television once, then never again because of just how terrible it was. Now 40 years later, I have uncovered the monstrosity, and for the sake of my readers, I... I subjected myself to it's horror. I present, The Star Wars Holiday Special.
The movie is about Han escorting Chewie to his home planet Kashyyyk (Good luck pronouncing that) while for the annual holiday Life Day. Yes, that is literally what the Star War's equivalent of Christmas is. Although the duo are being chased by Imperial forces. They don't matter too much in this special however, as most of the time will be spent with Chewbacca's family who are waiting for his return. The audience is introduced to his wife, Malla (I could've sworn it was Paula, but that's what the cast list says), his father, Itchy, and his young son, Lumpy. We see them in their surprisingly contemporary home complete with electricity, and a functioning kitchen. Now you would think in a movie centered around Wookies who can only communicate in growls and howls that maybe they would provide subtitles for the people at home... NOPE! Hope you like Wookie sounds because that's what you're going to get for the next hour and a half! Lumpy is shown to be a little jerk, annoying his grandpa who seems to be trying to carve a wooden ship. This goes on for a bit, until we reach our first segment of the special. Lumpy goes over to the holographic table, and starts to watch what seems to be some acrobats doing tricks. This would be cool, and all if it didn't drag on for so long! Wait... what do you mean that part was only 3 minutes long!?
After whatever that was, Malla Skype calls Luke to ask if Chewie had left yet. Luke reassures her that Chewie will make it, especially since he has Han with him. After hanging up, Malla then calls the local trading post as the Wookie family is good friends with the man who runs it. Though from what they saw on the video call, The Empire is searching around the planet for Rebels, mainly Chewie and Han. We then get an actual scene stolen straight from A New Hope with Darth Vader walking down a hallway with a commander; except it's dubbed over with new audio. In fact all the scenes with the Millennium Falcon, or space in general are all reused shots from A New Hope. With that out of the way, we get to our next segment. I actually somewhat enjoyed this one because of how wacky, and over-the-top it was. Malla decides to start preparing their Life Day dinner by following a recipe video led by a very Julia Child-esque character. Not even ten minutes later we get not only our next segment, but also our first musical number; that's right OUR FIRST. The trading post guy stops by with presents for the whole Wookie family, we first get to see Itchy's gift after the trading post guy sets it up for Itchy. Alright, i'm not going to be subtle... it's porn. The trading post guy set up porn for the grandpa Wookie to watch on his VR headset.
The sexy VR lady sings to Itchy for nearly five minutes before we return to the main plot (If you can even call it that). Malla calls Leia to ask what could be taking the two so long to get there, at least that's what I think. Leia, just like Luke though reassures her that they will be okay. Just then a group of Imperial soldiers break into the Wookies home to try and find Chewie. The trading post guy manages to distract them for a bit with a holographic music video of some band from the time. After that Lumpy decides that now is the perfect time to watch his cartoon. The cartoon being literally about Luke, Leia, and the rest of the gang. How awkward would it be watching a cartoon about your own father and his friends having to save the day. The cartoon was decent actually, it was nice that they actually had the actual actors voice their characters instead of getting other voice actors that could do a decent impression. The cartoon itself served more as a hype tool for the upcoming The Empire Strikes back by introducing Boba Fett, the Mandalorian Bounty Hunter (Not to be confused with the titular character from Disney+'s The Mandalorian series).
Now with the show over, Lumpy is sent to his room after the Imperial guards mess it up. He manages though to find a translation device kit (I had to look up that bit of info because I had no idea what was going on, I thought it was a communication device of some sort though). Lumpy then watches a tutorial video of how to set it up, hosted by a malfunctioning droid. Meanwhile we cut over to Tatooine for some reason to the iconic cantina for a segment that's ten minutes, but feels almost as long as this whole special. I don't even want to bother talking about what happened during that segment, it was so boring, and felt like it would go on forever. On the bright side however, with that segment over we are finally in the home stretch, just nearly twenty more minutes of this crap until we can be free! Lumpy finally finishes setting up the device, and uses it to trick the guards into leaving. Though a Stormtrooper stayed behind to keep an eye out. Luckily Chewie, and Han come to the rescue. After defeating the Stormtrooper, Han leaves Chewie for a moment and allows him to spend time with his family. Something strange then happens.
The Wookie family huddle close, and raise some candle looking things, then suddenly they're in robes, and on a starry path, what? At the end of the path all our friends are here, Han, Luke, Leia, the Droids, and an assortment of other random Wookies. Leia then starts singing a traditional Life Day song, at least her voice isn't bad. With the ending of the song comes finally, the ending of the movie. Never before had I been more happy to see end credits.
The Star Wars Holiday Special is a movie that will be remembered in infamy, for numerous reasons. If I started listing what was wrong with the movie though we'd be here all day! You can try to watch it, and enjoy it in a ironic way, but no, it is too painful. All I know is, i'll never complain about the Prequels again, heck the Prequels look like Citizen Kane compared to this! Remember folks, we only have a limited amount of time in this life, do not waste it. Overall, The Star Wars Holiday Special gets a 5 out of 5 paws up... wait... well in meme points anyway. The real score is 1 out of 5 paws up.
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