Movie Review: Alita: Battle Angel

Who says there isn't such thing as a good western anime adaptation?

Released last year, Alita: Battle Angel is a Sci-fi, action movie based on the manga series (Japanese comic books) of the same name. To be honest, just like everyone else upon seeing the first trailer I was worried that this would be a flop, especially considering the fact that they gave her real "Anime Eyes", and the track record for western adaptions of Japanese properties is not really good. Pleasantly enough, I was wrong. The movie is set in a cyberpunk, post-apocalyptic world where cyborgs, and cybernetic enhancements are the norm. During the movie we follow a recently reawakened cyborg girl with amnesia, and her struggle to find out who she really is.

The movie opens on setting the scene, telling us that this takes place 300 years after an event called, "The Great Fall". We then get a stunning shot of the massive floating city Zalem, but only the bottom of it. From a large chute, debris, and garbage plummet down onto Iron City below, more specifically, a scrapyard. The shot then focuses on a old man searching the scrapyard for parts he can use. He then comes across the top half of a cyborg girl with a still functioning brain. He rushes her back home, as he is both an engineer, and a doctor. With the help of his assistant, he gives her a new body. The girl wakes up, with absolutely no memories of her past, not even being able to remember her own name. The man gives her the name Alita, saying that it's a nice name. Due to her amnesia, Alita is wide eyed and curious about the world, essentially having the mind of a child at this point. She learns that the old man's name is Ido as he takes her with him on his errands. While running errands, Alita meets Hugo, a young man who takes a liking to Alita after witnessing her save a small dog from being stepped on by a giant Centurion robot. Alita also learns about the city above, Zalem, and how no one is able to get up there. The next day, Alita spends some time with Hugo, who introduces her to Motorball, the favorite sport of everyone in the city. Although at night she catches Ido sneaking back inside with blood on his hands, so the next night she secretly follows him, thinking that he is a serial killer. In actuality, he is a bounty hunter. However his would-be-target turns out to e part of a trap organized by ruthless cyborg criminals, led by Grewishka (Don't even ask me on how to pronounce that). Ido tells Alita to run away, but instead she rushes right into the combat, killing all, but Grewishka. Although she does manage to break his arm off.

During this fight Alita has a mysterious flashback to her past in which she, and a bunch of other cyborgs like her are fighting on the moon. Later on that night, Ido tells her more about herself, but only a small part. He tells her that her heart has the power to power the entire city for centuries, and that the body he used for her was originally for his daughter, Alita. However before he could give it to her, she was murdered, and because of this he took up bounty hunting hoping that he could atone for his sin of building powerful cyborgs. Alita however attempts to convince him to let her fight, so then she can recover more of her memory. Ido, not wanting to lose his daughter again forbids her from fighting. Meanwhile at Bad Guy HQ where Ido's ex-wife works, she is approached by the wounded Grewishka who tells her of Alita. The villains of the movie then make plans on how to kill her. The next night, or so, Hugo takes Alita to her first actual Motorball game. She ends up being a fan of the dangerous sport. Although while meeting with some of the pit crew, Hugo disappears for awhile. Turns out Hugo works for Vector, one of the bad guys, and owner of the Motorball tournament. In return for money, hoping that he can buy himself a place in Zalem, he steals parts from cyborgs, mainly successful Motorball players. The next day, Hugo, and his friends take Alita to see a old crashed spaceship belong to the United Republic of Mars, which was the enemy during the war before The Fall. Alita manages to go into the ship retrieving a familiar body. She tries to have Ido install her into it, but he refuses. He tells her that this is a berserker model, which she is part of. He also tells her of her special ability Panzer Kunst, or Armor Arts (Either one sounds pretty badass). Ido also tells her that since she is from URM that makes her 300 years old, which means it's perfectly okay to draw porn of her (Just joking, please don't).

Frustrated with Ido she sets off to register as a Hunter-Warrior. She then heads off to a bar full of other Hunter-Warriors, and she attempts to convince them to join her in the fight against Grewishka. They laugh her off however, and the cocky Zapan taunts her into a fight, which sparks a full on bar fight. It is stopped though when Ido intervenes. However only moments after Ido arrives, so does Grewishka. Now remember that puppy at the beginning of the movie? It followed Alita into the bar, and upon Grewishka entering, the small dog approaches him, only to be murdered. Alita is now going to go John Wick on his shiny metal ass (Bonus points if you got both references right there). Angered by his evil, she challenges him, but not before using the dog's blood as war paint. Alita follows Grewishka into the underground where they begin battling. Unfortunately though she does manage to gouge out his eye, he ends up shredding her body into many pieces. Ido, Hugo, and one other Hunter-Warrior come to her rescue. This Hunter-Warrior commanding a pack of cyborg hounds, mainly trying to get revenge for the dog, then we don't see him again. Reluctantly, Ido installs Alita into the URM (United Republic of Mars) body. The body fits like a glove on her, and because of the nano technology, the body shapes itself according to how Alita views herself in her subconscious, giving her a more adult body. Hugo falls heads over heels for her now, and their romance really doesn't vibe with me. Like he met her while she was in a child's body, with a mentality to match. Yikes, someone call cyborg Chris Hansen.

That night Vector speaks with Hugo, in which Hugo tells Vector everything about Alita. In the morning, Alita visits Hugo. Upon talking about Zalem, naive, and very in love Alita attempts to give Hugo her heart, so he can sell it, and they can both go. Hugo declines however, especially with the events with Grewishka he is planning on quitting his side-job of jacking parts from cyborgs. Alita then recalls about the prize money in Motorball, she decides to try, and become a great Motorball player, so they can both go without selling her heart. Ido approves, and even makes her custom armor, and a pair of skates. What none of them know however is that Vector hired a bunch of assassins, and Hunter-Warriors to pose as players in order to kill her. From the audience stands, Ido sees this, and warns her. Hugo who is trying to make his way to Alita's first game is stopped by Zapan who murders his friend, and frames him for murder. With a bounty on his head, he attempts to escape Zapan. Now during the extra deadly Motorball game Alita manages to either kill or disable the other players, inadvertently winning herself praise from the crowd. She receives a call from Hugo during the game that he is in danger, and so she exits the area in order to save him. She arrives in time before Zapan is able to kill him. However, Zapan stabs Hugo in his midsection anyway. She drags him to safety while the other bounty hunters are hot on her trail. Ido's ex-wife, Chiren finds her, and instead of reporting to Vector, she helps Alita. Alita walks to the Centurions with the decapitated head of Hugo, however, secretly she is keeping his brain alive until they can return to Ido. Zapan sees this, and tries to take the head from her, though the centurions see this as simply him trying to steal her kill. Alita then steals Zapan's sword, and slices off half of his face.

They get back to Ido, and he is able to hook up Hugo to a new cyborg body. Ido also tells her that there is no way to buy yourself into Zalem. He knows this because he was born there it turns out. Now filled with anger, Alita heads off to Bad Guy HQ to get more information on Nova, the leader of Zalem. With her new skills, and her nice sword, she manages to finally kill Grewishka, slicing him in half. She then forces Nova to communicate with her through Vector. When he threatens her friends, and family though, she kills Vector. She then hears from Ido that Hugo had disappeared. She then remembers earlier in the movie in which he said that if he were a cyborg he would try to climb up to Zalem. However with a flashback Alita has, she remembers that the pillars of the floating cities are armed with spinning serrated blades. Alita hurries to save him, and convince him to back down, but it is too late, Hugo is shredded up, and he falls to his death. Finally a post apocalyptic dystopia movie franchise where there isn't a love interest! After all, can't have a love interest if he dead. Anyway, the movie then skips a few months later where we learn that Alita has become an elite Motorball player meaning that if she wins the Championship Tournament, she'll go to Zalem. She points her sword up towards the city while Nova watches, and grins.

This movie, shouldn't have worked, but it did. Personally I cannot wait for the sequel that is supposedly in the works right now. Though seeing as this is a James Cameron movie, we'll have to wait for him to finish up his Avatar pentalogy (Yeah, in case you didn't know there are going to be 4 more Avatar movies being released in the near future). I really liked the overall aesthetic of the movie, along with Alita's character herself. Despite the flaws in this film, because no movie is perfect, i'm giving this modern sci-fi epic a 5 out of 5 paws up!

Movie Review: The Velocipastor

This is the only religious movie you'll get me to watch unironically

A couple years ago, some genius decided to make a action-thriller movie on a $35,000 budget. The end result? Surprisingly good. The Velocipastor is a movie about a young pastor who suddenly loses his parents. He then goes on a trip to China where he is cursed to becoming a killer dinosaur whenever he is angry, or hungry. Along the way, a hooker convinces him to become a vigilante, and fight evil; which includes drug dealing ninjas. If that description alone piques your interest then strap in, you're in for a wild ride.

Our movie begins introducing us to our protagonist, Doug Jones. He finishes up his sermon for the day, and heads outside where his parents are across the street waiting for him. Suddenly though their car blows up, killing them. Doug cries in anguish as we see a hilarious visual, or lack of one. Where the burning car should be is instead a piece of text that reads, 'VFX: Car on Fire'. It is with this that one can easily figure out that this movie is not going to take itself seriously, and have fun with it's outrageous plot. His fellow pastor, Father Stewart comforts him explaining that maybe he should take a trip. We then cut to "China", which i'm pretty sure was just a nearby park. Doug is wandering around the forest when a woman falls before him, a arrow in her chest. He is then given a mysterious stone that he cuts himself on. We then cut to a different scene in which Doug wakes up in bed, and it reveals that the last scene was a flashback which comes back to him as a nightmare. Needing some fresh air, he leaves, and we are introduced to Carol. Carol is studying to become a doctor-lawyer, but with her student debt she is forced to be a prostitute to the cruel pimp, Frankie Mermaid (Named that because he's always swimming in bitches he says). Suddenly it is night, and Carol is doing her work in a park. She is then attacked by a thug, but before anything can happen to her, coincidentally Doug was in that same park. He suddenly transforms for the first time into his new dinosaur form, and rips apart the attacker, saving Carol. 

The next morning, Doug wakes up in Carol's bed naked, immediately he thinks that they must of had sex. Carol tries to remind him of what he did, but he doesn't believe her until she shows him the remains of the attacker. Carol then tries to convince Doug that it doesn't need to be a bad thing, that he can use this power for good, and get rid of all the bad people in the world.Of course being a man of God, Doug refuses, and runs back to his church in time for him to host the confessions booth. On the other side of the booth however is Frankie, Carol's pimp. He begins to brag about all the comically evil deeds he's done such as stealing candy from a baby, then killing said baby so it doesn't snitch, dealing drugs, pimping, killing people. Frankie then brings up something he shouldn't have, he confesses to be the one behind Doug's parent's death. This enrages Doug, and causes him to turn into his arm into dinosaur claws which he uses to slice Frankie's throat. He rushes back to Carol afterwards, and tells her that he is ready to become a vigilante, he also tells her who he killed. Carol thanks him, and a montage begins. During this montage, Doug, and Carol grow closer together as they kill criminals together. At the end of the montage, we are introduced to our main villain of the story, Wei Chan, a Chinese drug dealer. Upon hearing that their dealers are being killed by Doug, he sends his ninja assassins to try, and kill him. Although we won't see the ninjas until later. Everything seems to be going fine for Carol, and Doug, but soon enough Father Stewart notices that something is strange with Doug. Doug then tries to explain to him that he has the ability to turn into a dinosaur, and he fights bad guys. Upon hearing this Father Stewart decides to call an old friend of his to perform an exorcism on Doug. We also get a flashback of how Father Stewart knows the exorcist, Altair. He flashes back to when they were both in Vietnam, they both share inspiring words with each other before Altair is shot, and killed (Even though he is still alive, but they never explain how). Later on as he tries to write a letter to Altair's parents telling them of the tragedy, Stewart's wife is then suddenly there. She runs towards him, accidentally stepping onto a mine, exploding everywhere, end of flashback.

The exorcism goes terribly, and Father Stewart is disemboweled by Doug. Doug then escapes, and is confronted by the ninjas. He defeats them easily, and returns to Carol where they proceed to have PG-13 sex, like normal sex, but their underwear stays on. He's also back to his human self mind you. The next morning, the two are ambushed by more ninjas. Here we find out that Carol is good at fighting too. The two find out where the ninjas came from, and head off. We then cut to Stewart who is actually alive. He was healed by the drug dealing ninja leader. Here he reveals his plan to Father Stewart. Get the people addicted to cocaine, then cut it, then they'll seek religious help groups, convert them to Christianity, and take over the world. Father Stewart does not approve of the plan however, and because of this Wei Chan kills him. Shortly afterwards, Doug, and Carol arrive. They both take down ninja after ninja, before a huge bombshell reveal happens. The only white ninja approaches Doug, and reveals that he is actually his brother, Sam. The two brothers then begin to fight to the death. Sam tries to use "the sword of ancestors" to kill Doug, but Doug makes the sword fly to his hand instead, saying, "your ancestors are my ancestors!", and with that he kills Sam. Poor Sam, he just wanted to be acknowledged. Meanwhile Carol is fighting off a bunch of ninjas, though things go badly quick as as a sword wielding ninja comes to fight her. He slashes her across the chest. Carol now lays in Doug's arms dying. Upon her dying he unleashes his rage, and slaughters all the ninjas. Wei Chan then shoots him in the leg with a arrow, causing him to revert back to a human. The drug lord is about to kill him when it turns out Doug's arms are still in Dinosaur form. He then proceeds to rip of his head, which for comedic purposes had been replaced with an obvious dummy head. The next scene, he is in a hospital where it turns out Carol is going to be just fine. In the final scene of the movie we find out that he has been excommunicated from the church, but despite that he is still going to fight in order to bring peace to the world, along with Carol.

Velocipastor is not for everyone that is for sure. This movie is targeted to those that don't care too much about quality, and just want a good laugh, and I respect it for that. This movie has cult classic written all over it. If you're the kind of person that enjoys really out there humor, and genre parodies, then I think you'll get a kick out of this. Overall, Velocipastor is a bonkers movie that deserves attention, I give it a 4 out of 5 Paws up!

Movie Review: Tremors

The nightmare fuel of my childhood

In the 1970s Jaws scared everyone away from water, and in the early 90s, Tremors made even walking on dirt the scariest thing ever. Tremors is a horror-comedy monster flick starring Kevin Bacon, and Fred Ward as two handymen that are forced to become unlikely heroes when their town of Perfection, Nevada is overrun with burrowing monsters. Although it calls itself a comedy film, it's much more scary then it is funny. Luckily though the sequels nail the horror-comedy aspect better. Despite the cheesy effects however, this movie really "burrowed" itself into my mind for as long as I can remember (Or well maybe 1st or 2nd grade age?). You can expect me to get pretty nostalgic throughout the review.

When the movie begins we are immediately introduced to Kevin Bacon, and Fred Ward's characters; Val, and Earl, Val being short for Valentine. The audience can also see the two's distinct personalities. These handymen are great friends who do odd jobs around the area in hopes of one day being able to move out of Perfection, and to a big city. The town itself is a ex-mining settlement right in the center of a very isolated valley, surrounded by large mountains. This means that communication with the outside world is rather difficult. On their way from their latest job, the two meet college student Rhonda, who is using her seismograph for research in the area. After a rather nasty incident during one of their jobs, the boys decide to go ahead, and leave the town for the big city. On their way though, they spot a figure stuck on an electrical tower. Upon further inspection, it is local Edgar, he is also found to be dead. They take him to the town doctor for an autopsy, which concludes with the doctor saying he died of dehydration. After this we meet Old Farmer Fred, who is tending to his flock of sheep, and garden. Something is wrong however, the ground is moving around him. Fred is then quickly pulled underground to his untimely demise. His sheep shortly meet the same fate.Val, and Earl make a stop at Old Fred's for a quick errand. However they only find his sheep slaughtered, and the only thing remaining of Fred is his head partially buried in the dirt. The duo rush back to town to warn everyone, as they are convinced a serial killer must be on the loose.

With the phone line down, Val, and Earl attempt to reach the big city, but not for themselves, but to instead get help. Before they can get there though two construction workers will meet their fate. The two workers are attacked in a way that causes a landslide, thus blocking the road, and the only convenient exit out of the valley. It is moments after the collapse that Val, and Earl arrive. Disappointed they go to leave, but something has grabbed their truck's axle. Back at the town they find tied around their axle is a slug like monster. This however only solves part of the mystery. They also sell it to the store owner, Walter for a quick buck. That night though in a separate part of the valley, we find out that the little slug like creature may  just only be a small part of something bigger. The town doctor, and his wife enjoy a night under the stars after a day of working on their new home. Suddenly the generator disappears. His wife tries to suggest that they leave, but instead the doctor goes to investigate. This is where we get the scene that absolutely traumatized me as a kid. I have this faint memory of hanging out with my older brother, watching tv, and this scene comes on. For some reason, just that scene alone stayed in my head for as long as I could remember. I don't think I even watched the full movie until now. Anyway, I should probably continue talking about this scene. The old man is suddenly grabbed by one of the monsters, and slowly dragged underground. His wife tries to save him only to meet one of these monsters face to face. She jumps into her car hoping she'll be safe, but then her car begins sinking into the ground. She screams as slowly the car is dragged under the ground, and the scene ends. The next morning back in town, Val and Earl borrow Walter's horses in hopes of being able to ride them to someone nearby that may be able to help them. However along the way, they come across the remains of the attack from last night.

After investigated the site, they continue riding on their horses, that is until one of the steeds is killed. The other horse kicks off Val, and runs off. Quickly the two manage to barely outrun it, only surviving because the monster ran into a concrete wall. Rhonda also comes by, and sees the monster for the first time. It is here we learn that the small slug like creature is actually one of the many tongues of the monster itself. It is here that they also learn the monsters live underground. At first Val, and Earl are relived that they managed to kill it, but Rhonda tells them that there are actually three more in the area. They attempt to get to her car in order to drive back in town, but instead are stranded on a boulder until the next morning. In the morning Rhonda suggests that they pole vault to the other boulders in order to get to her car since the monsters cannot climb. Upon returning to the town, we find out the monsters have been named, Graboids, due to their grabbing ability. Soon after Val, Earl, and Rhonda arrive, the Graboids begin their attack on the town. After Walter is snatched by one, the survivors are forced to retreat onto the rooftops of their homes. Except for survivalist couple Burt, and Heather Gummer. With their bunker located underground, they accidentally draw a Graboid to themselves. However being a couple of stereotypical gun-toting Americans, they manage to take down the Graboid with ease. Meanwhile Earl starts noticing that the remaining Graboids are figuring out how to collapse the foundation of the buildings in the town. Knowing that they can't stay long, the survivors come up with a plan. While everyone distracts the Graboids with loud sounds, Val runs out to hook up a trailer to a heavy duty Front Loader truck. With the weight alone, it overpowers any attempts that the Graboids make to grab them. 

With everyone loaded in the fortified trailer, it looks like that they will be able to make it to the mountains with ease. That will not be the situation however. Turns out, the Graboids dug a trap, making the Front Loader now useless. Luckily Burt, and Heather had prepared some bombs, as the sound, and vibrations caused from the bombs is enough to temporarily scare away the Graboids. Using this the survivors are able to escape onto a nearby boulder. Earl, luckily comes up with an idea; he takes one of Burt's bombs, and ties it onto a rope. Then throwing the rope like a lasso, he begins what he calls "fishing". It actually works, and one of the Graboids blows up in bright orange bits, and pieces that cover everyone. This method doesn't work the next time though thanks to the Graboids ability to learn. In fact, it spits the bomb back up at the survivors causing them to scramble. Val, holding the last bomb has a crazy idea that might work. He begins running towards a nearby cliff, leading the Graboid to himself. He then throws the bomb behind it, causing it to charge. Val then jumps out of the way, and they all watch in awe as the last Graboid falls to it's death. With the Graboid threat now gone, everyone can return to their normal lives. Val also gets together with Rhonda as well for a happy ending.

Tremors isn't a bad movie, in fact it still holds up after so many years. It is still just as scary, though slightly less then when I was a kid. Tremors deserves it's status as a Cult Classic. It has the perfect amount of camp, mixed with scares to create a unique experience. The movie is very cheesy at some parts, but I think that's just part of what makes it so good. If I get enough requests, i'd be willing to review the five sequel movies, but for now this campy horror earns a "groundbreaking" 5 out of 5 Paws up.

Movie Review: Ghost Rider

This Nick Cage flick isn't much of a National Treasure

Many people nowadays may not know, but there was a time where good comic book movies, didn't exist. This is one of those bad movies from the era. Released in 2007, now 13 years ago, Nicholas Cage stars as the stunt motorcyclist Johnny Blaze, who after making a deal with the devil is forced to become The Spirit of Vengeance, Ghost Rider. The movie itself is pretty forgettable, and sometimes even boring. That's pretty bad when your Ghost Rider movie is forgettable, and boring.

The movie starts with a voice over of a old man talking about legends. He tells the tale of a Ghost Rider, who back in the old west took a dangerous contract from the devil, and rode away with it, for well, I forgot why. We then transition to about 100 years later, and we are introduced to Johnny Blaze, and his father who are both stunt motorcyclists for a carnival. Johnny finds out his dad has lung cancer, and while working on his bike he is visited by the devil himself. Well in this movie he's called Mephistopheles, but he's basically the devil. He makes a deal with Johnny to cure his father in return for his soul, Johnny accepts. The next day his father is healthy again, but as he goes to do his next stunt, he perishes in a horrible accident. Mephistopheles claims that he couldn't have his father coming in between them, because eventually in the future he is going to call forth Johnny to do a task for him. Johnny then abandons his girlfriend, and drives away before transitioning to the present (2007). Johnny Blaze is now a professional stunt motorcyclist known for his death defying acts. Johnny believes that this is simply because Mephistopheles is trying to keep him alive, so he keeps on upping the danger in hopes of regaining some control over his life. Johnny now prepares for his biggest stunt yet, jumping over an entire football field, and three military helicopters. Before the stunt, he reunites with his old girlfriend, Roxanne, who is now a news reporter. After she leaves, he goes to do his stunt, which goes flawlessly. Immediately afterwards, he chases down Roxanne's news truck, and harasses her until she agrees to go on a date with him later that night. Of course though, not all will go to plan.

After this scene, we are introduced to the main villain of the story, with an unnecessary jump scare; we get it, you're evil. He then proceeds to murder an entire bar in the middle of nowhere filled with bikers. Shortly after we cut back to Nicholas Cage, and his uninteresting adventures. That night when Johnny is supposed to meet Roxanne for their date, he is instead approached by Mephistopheles. Mephistopheles tells him that his son, Blackheart (I'm pretty sure that was the name of a Care Bears villain), is loose on Earth with three fallen angels, and they want to find the forbidden contract, or whatever. He appoints Johnny as his new Ghost Rider, and forces him to a train yard. He also promises that if Johnny can defeat Blackheart, he will return his soul. Once Johnny arrives at the train yard, we get a very Nicholas Cage performance as he overacts his way into becoming the titular Ghost Rider. After the transformation, he goes to fight Blackheart, and his angels. During their first fight, he is only able to kill the Earth Angel. After that he changes the form of his bike, and rides off upon sensing someone sinning. He comes across a random fat goth girl (upon doing some research, turns out that girl was Rebel Wilson in one of her first acting roles) being mugged by a thug. Ghost Rider then uses one of his new abilities, The Penance Stare on him. The stare makes it so then he can look into a sinner's soul, and burn them from the inside, killing them instantly. Ghost Rider then rides off until he turns back to normal, and at the same time arrives at a graveyard where it just so happens there is a guy there who can help him. The man is called, The Caretaker, and he knows all about Johnny's Ghost Rider stuff. Caretaker explains that he will take on the form every night, especially if he is around evil or sin..

Later that day, Roxanne comes to apartment to ask why he missed their date. Johnny tells the truth, he is The Devil's Bounty Hunter now. Of course, she does not believe him at all, and leaves. Later that night as he is doing some research, the police arrest him, accusing him of the murders at the biker bar. Of course when placed into the holding cell full of evil, he transforms into Ghost Rider. Escaping the police he then goes to fight the second Fallen Angel, an Angel of wind. He manages to defeat him by creating a fire tornado with his chain whip. Roxanne also sees him in this form, and believes his story. Johnny then returns to the Caretaker for more exposition. Returning home, Johnny finds Blackheart has killed his friend, and kidnapped Roxanne. Since Blackheart has no soul to burn, the only way he can save Roxanne is if he brings Blackheart the forbidden contract. Johnny returns to the Caretaker. The Caretaker then reveals that he was the Ghost Rider who had stolen the contract, as if that wasn't obvious. Caretaker gives him the contract saying that since his deal was made for love of his father rather then greed, he should be able to win. They both ride off to the abandoned village where the contract came from, and The Caretaker then disappears because, I don't know. Before arriving at the town, he manages to kill the Water Angel. Blackheart then steals the contract, reading from it, and releasing thousands of dammed souls. Blackheart absorbs the souls, making him very powerful, especially with the sun rising rendering Johnny powerless. Thanks to good timing, and plot armor however, he manages to get into some shadows, which brings back his powers, then he uses the Penance Stare on Blackheart. Since Blackheart absorbed all the souls, it allows Johnny to burn them, thus killing Blackheart. Mephistopheles returns, and says Johnny can have his soul back now, but Johnny refuses. He decides to instead become a vigilante in hopes that one day he will be strong enough to kill Mephistopheles. Johnny, and Roxanne then ride off into the distance, and that's the end of the movie.

For a movie about a skeletal stunt biker killing demons, man is it boring. The effects have also aged like fine milk. I've seen amateur visual artists on YouTube that can do better! If you're in the mood for a Nicholas Cage movie though, then maybe give this a watch. Otherwise, please leave it buried in the early 2000s where it belongs. This cheesy superhero flick gets a 1 out of 5 Paws up.

Movie Review: Lady And The Tramp (2019)

The classic tail retold for a new generation

Released originally in 1955, this classic story of two dogs from two very different worlds falling in love, has become one of Disney's most iconic films to date. Of course with the recent trend of remaking their classics as "Live-action" movies, Lady and the Tramp was bound to be remade. I went in with very low expectations, but was pleasantly surprised. Then again my expectations were a bit kinder as this was released on Disney+ instead in theaters. Chances are if it had a theatrical release, I would be much more harsher with it. Anyway, let's just jump right into this.

The movie starts out much like the original one, Christmas night. Though this time we are given a location for our story. Well, it's at least implied to be set in somewhere in Georgia during the early 1920s. The audience is introduced to the happy couple of Jim Dear, and Darling. One thing that is immediately noticeable, is the fact that there are a interracial couple during the 1920s. What is so silly though, is that this was controversial among some audiences due to the location, and time period not being too kind to interracial couples. This is a very ridiculous thing to complain about though because the movie is literally about talking dogs. Anyway, much like the original, Jim Dear gives Darling a box that inside holds a very adorable Cocker Spaniel puppy. The two decide to name her Lady, and proceed to spoil her greatly. Nearly a year later, Lady is now a fully grown dog living the best life. That morning her owners present her with her new collar and license, and she goes off to show it to her two friends Trusty, and Jock. Not sure why, but for this remake, they swapped the gender of Jock, the Scottish Terrier, it's a change I got used to though. It's also during this part we get to see how the dogs look when talking, and it isn't bad. It isn't Pup Star levels of bad at least, and the animals are much more expressive then the characters in The Lion King (2019). Then again it doesn't take much effort to be better then that beautiful mess.

While Lady lives the pampered life, on the other side of town we are introduced to Tramp. Tramp is a stray Schnauzer dog, who unlike Lady, sleeps in a train yard, has to steal food, and is constantly on the run from the dog-catcher who is obsessed with catching him. His daily routine is interrupted when he has to free his friends from the cog-catcher's wagon. Though by doing that, the dog-catcher begins to chase him. Luckily Tramp is able to jump onto a truck, and ride it until it breaks down in a very different part of town. Seeing how the dog-catcher somehow followed him there he goes off to find a hiding spot. Meanwhile at the same time, Lady's owners are hosting a baby shower. Lady doesn't realize yet that Darling is pregnant, and only sees that her people are acting strange, and not paying attention to her. In a attempt to get attention, she jumps up into Darling's lap, only to get shoved off, and called a bad dog. Lady is then thrown outside where she meets the Tramp for the first time. In exchange for letting him hide in her backyard, he explains to her why her owners are acting so strange. He explains that Lady is going to be replaced by a baby, and that humans are not loyal. Lady of course doesn't believe him, but some time later she starts to doubt herself as the baby is born. Unlike the original where the baby was an unnamed boy, in this version the baby is a girl named Lulu.

The movie skips over to a few weeks later where Jim Dear, and Darling are taking baby Lulu to go see Jim's sister who lives outside the city. They call in the dreaded Aunt Sarah to dog-sit Lady, though Sarah was expecting to be watching Lulu like in the original. As the family leaves, we get to one of my favorite changes in the movie, the cats. In the original, Aunt Sarah's cats were a very racist caricature of Asian people as they were Siamese. This time the cats are two identical Devon Rex cats appropriately named Devon, and Rex, and they are given a new song to sing. The song is called, What a Shame, and the cats wreck the house in a similar manner to the classic film. The song is catchy, fun, and not as awkward as the Siamese Song. Upon seeing the mess, and of course assuming it was Lady that caused the mess, and terrorized her cats, she takes her downtown to get a muzzle for her. While getting the muzzle put on her, she loses her collar, and she panics and escapes from the store. She runs into an alleyway where she is cornered by a larger dog, though with Tramp's help they manage to scare him away. Tramp then agrees to help her get home, but first they need to get the muzzle off. In the original they went to a zoo, and enlisted the help of a beaver to remove the muzzle. Though this time there is no actual beaver, there is a homage to the missing mammal as a statue they use to get the muzzle off. The two take a scenic route to get home, and bond along the way. Before reaching Lady's neighborhood, Tramp comes across his favorite restaurant, Tony's, home of the famous Spaghetti scene. It could've been better. The vibe was kind of ruined by trying to make it comedic, when the scene should be entirely just the music, and them interacting without words. However, the rendition of Bella Notte is very nice to listen to, they even have the chorus from the original mixed in with the new audio. Lady is now wondering if she should even go home at this point, as this night would be the best she had ever had. The night is disrupted though by the dog-catcher, who catches Lady, and takes her to the pound.

Lady is taken to the pound where she is introduced to Peg. Peg then sings her famous, He's a Tramp song. However, unlike the original pound scene there isn't much at stake, shortly after Lady's owners actually come and pick her up. Now home, the couple kick Aunt Sarah out for not only mistreating Lady, but also allowing her cats to wreck their home. Lady also gets a proper introduction to baby Lulu. Later on, Tramp finds that Peg, and the bulldog had been adopted by a kind human. Tramp begins to rethink himself, that maybe not all humans are bad. He visits Lady, but even though Lady loves him she feels that it is her duty to stay home, and be there for Lulu. Tramp leaves as it begins raining. Before Lady enters the house she spots a large rat sneaking into the baby's room. She tries to warn her owners, but they are in a conversation with the dog-catcher. Lady is locked away in a closet, and begins barking frantically hoping that anyone will hear her. Tramp is able to hear her, and goes to her house. She tells him about the rat, and he sneaks inside despite the risk of being caught. Tramp makes it up to the baby's room, and fights the rat. He is injured in the process, and he knock's over Lulu's crib in the process, but he kills the rat. Jim Dear, and Darling don't see the rat though, and think that he attacked their baby. The dog-catcher takes him away to be put down, and thinking it's all over now Jim Dear lets Lady out of the closet. Lady immediately runs upstairs, and shows them the dead rat. 

Along with Jock, and Trusty, and with Jim Dear, Darling, and Lulu following behind in their car they chase down the wagon. The wagon crashes, and Tramp is knocked out. Though of course they at first think he is dead, but he gets up because movie. The couple catch up right when the dog-catcher is ready to drag the injured Tramp to the pound. Now knowing though that he saved their baby, Darling makes the decision to adopt him in order to save him. Fast forward to Christmas morning, Tramp is officially part of the family, now having his own collar and license. They also don't have puppies this time, which makes sense because chances are either or both of them must have been fixed at some point. The two celebrate their new life together as we see Jock is a auntie since her owner decided to adopt some puppies from the pound. We cut to the credits as we zoom away from the house.

There is one thing we can agree on, the classic will always be better. Though as these remakes come, and go this so far is the better one Disney has given us. Then again chances are i'd be more harsher if it were a theatrical release. Some of the changes they made really helped benefit the movie. Replacing the Siamese cats was the best change. My least favorite change though is the spaghetti scene, it didn't feel the same. It also felt more tame compared to the original, but overall, this retelling of a classic gets a 3 out of 5 Paws up.

Review Delay

I apologize if you were expecting a review today. Of course when I wanted to do another review, the internet is at its worst. This means that the review will be posted tomorrow instead of today. I hope you understand, thank you.

Update: I don't even know how... but the review draft deleted itself. I'll try to get it published tomorrow though.

And we're back!

Sorry for being gone for a bit. You know how the holidays can be. Being an adult one is bound to get stoned and/or shitfaced, and forget about their responsibility as we gorge on fatty, sugary treats. Now the holidays are over, and we enter not only a new year, but a new decade! New decade also means new movies, so i'll definitely be busy these upcoming months as I continue to bring you my quality-ish reviews. I hope you all had a happy holiday, and I wish you all a great new year!