Hiatus might be over soon!

 Recently i've started to get some motivation back, so hopefully by the end of this month we should be getting a new review out. 

A Apology

 I know I promised that I would work on getting more reviews published, but depression has been hitting me extra hard these past few months. I'm sorry if i'm letting anyone down. This blog isn't quite over, but is simply on a long hiatus. Once again, i'm sorry.

Movie Review: Clash of the Titans (1981)

At least it's better then the Percy Jackson movies

June 1981, one of the most popular movies of the decade was released, Clash of the Titans. The story is loosely based on the Greek myth of Perseus, one of Zeus' many children. In the movie we watch as Perseus conquers many notable monsters of Greek myth, such as; Medusa, The Kraken, and... some random ugly guy who is angry cause he can't get laid with the princess. In his journey Perseus is also joined by, Pegasus, Greek Obi-Wan Kenobi, and the best character, a robot owl. Enough talk, let's get into this review.

Clash of the Titans opens on the king of Argos literally yeeting his daughter, and just born grandson into the ocean because he was jealous that Zeus banged her or something. Of course this upsets the mighty Olympic God, and he orders Poseidon to make his ocean take the yeeted humans and get them to a safe island far away from Argos. Zeus then commands the Kraken be released onto the kingdom of Argos. Here I was expecting a giant squid, but instead the Kraken looks more like a aquatic King Kong reject. The woman, and her son which she named Perseus live out their lives among a peaceful nudist colony. I'm saying that because these people are literally not wearing any clothes. The movie then skips forward, I don't know, 20 years? At least in the future the island people finally decided to put on some clothes. We cut back to Olympus, home of the Greek Gods who just stand around an almost empty room, and kinda do nothing. At least until ancient Karen, or Thetis (I will be referring to her as Karen throughout this review though), the other ruler of the sea complains to Zeus that he shouldn't punish her son Calibos for literally driving the Pegasus species to extinction. Zeus decides instead of killing him, Calibos will instead become a deformed monster. This upsets Goddess Karen so much though as he was supposed to marry the beautiful Princess Andromeda of Joppa. As revenge Thetis kinda takes Perseus, and teleport him to Joppa? I really don't know what her idea here was, like all she did was give him a free ride across the sea. Shortly after being teleported, Perseus meets Greek Obi-Wan Kenobi who runs the abandoned amphitheater. Perseus is also given three gifts from the Gods, a helmet of invisibility, a unbreakable golden sword, and... a regular ass shield. With his godly gear equipped, and new sidekick in tow, Perseus begins his adventure.

Arriving in town, Perseus learns that Princess Andromeda is under a curse that makes it so then no one can marry her unless they can solve a randomly generated riddle. If the challenger fails, then they are burned at the stake, yeesh, and here I thought I was bad at dating. Perseus, using the helmet of invisibility sneaks into Andromeda's room, and watches her sleep. He then watches as her spirit is taken by a giant vulture to Calibos' swamp where he tells her the new riddle of the day. Perseus wanting to save her asks Obi-Wan for help. Obi-Wan reveals that there is a single Pegasus left, and that Perseus should tame it so then he can save the Princess from Calibos' curse. Luckily Perseus is the main character, so taming Pegasus is super easy. With Pegasus caught, he is able to follow the giant vulture to Calibos' lair. Perseus though is spotted by Calibos who attempts to kill him. Once again, because Perseus is the main character, despite having zero sword training is able to cut off Calibos' hand. The next day, Perseus confronts the Queen of Joppa, and asks for Andromeda's hand in marriage. Though he has to solve the riddle first. The solution turns out to be the ring on Calibos severed hand. Everyone is happy as the Princess can finally be married off, especially to someone like Perseus. Calibos still alive however, begs his mother, Karen to get revenge for him. She can't hurt Perseus though as he is Zeus' son, but decides to go for the next best thing. She demands that in a month, Princess Andromeda is to be sacrificed to the dreaded Kraken, or else the monster will destroy Joppa like it destroyed Argos. Perseus now sets off on a quest to find a way to kill the Kraken. Zeus is confidant that Perseus will win the day, but just to make sure he asks Athena to send her loyal owl Bubo to assist the hero.Athena not wanting to part from her best friend though has Hephaestus create a robot in the likeness of Bubo, and sends the machine to do the Owl's job of guiding Perseus. This is the origin story for the best character in the whole movie, Bubo, the Robot Owl.

Perseus' quest takes him, and a few soldiers of Joppa up a mountain where they meet a trio of witches. Thanks to Bubo's help, he steals the witches' magic eyeball thing, and threatens to break it if they don't tell him how to defeat the Kraken. Perseus is then told that he could try to use Medusa against the Kraken as her stare turns anything into stone. Though they warn that no one has ever come back alive from Medusa's lair. Perseus, and crew now head off to go find Medusa's lair, Perseus is also given a special cloak that is immune to Medusa's acidic blood. Some travelling later, they finally arrive, but are attacked by a large two-headed wolf. After killing the wolf, Perseus, and his men enter Medusa's lair. Using the shield as a mirror to look at her without turning into stone, Perseus is able to successfully decapitate the gorgon. On their way back to Joppa, Calibos returns, summoning giant scorpions to kill Perseus, and the remaining soldiers. Calibos is finally killed by Perseus, though what Perseus doesn't know is that Pegasus had been captured by Calibos' men earlier, so it's Bubo to the rescue. Bubo frees Pegasus who returns to Perseus' side as they fly off to go save Andromeda as it is now time to sacrifice her. He arrives just in time, and whips out Medusa's head which turns the mighty Kraken into solid stone. Poor Poseidon though, the Kraken was essentially his pet. Everyone celebrates as Perseus, and Andromeda finally get to be married. Here's a small fun detail during this scene. As earlier Bubo fell onto a rock while helping Perseus fight the Kraken, and got injured, so in this scene the owl can be seen with a crutch, and a leg cast, which I find oddly adorable, and hilarious. Zeus then names a bunch of stars after the characters in the movie before credits finally roll. Personally though, Bubo was the real hero in this movie, when Perseus accidentally dropped the head into the ocean, who got it? Bubo did. Without him, everyone would be dead, so remember folks. He toot, he poot, but most importantly, he hoot.

Personally I thought this movie was okay, like it isn't the absolute most greatest movie I've ever seen, but it isn't the worst. The stop-motion is mostly what saves this boring quest. When I say boring, I mean as in some scenes just drag on without any purpose, I just want to check the time every 5 minutes, wondering when it will just end. Of course, I didn't grow up with the movie, so if you happen to like this, then good for you. As for me, this classic mythological tale gets a 3 out of 5 Paws up from me.

Movie Review: Flash Gordon

Just like opening up a racist time capsule

I know it's been forever since I made my last post, but I think now is a good time to pick up where we left off. With my return, we are going to be looking at the 1980s adaptation of the comic strip series, Flash Gordon. The story centers around a star Quarterback, who with a random lady, and a eccentric scientist work together to save not only the Earth, but the people of the planet Mongo as well. Be warned though that this movie portrays a lot of outdated cultural references, and a white guy in yellow face. What would be a decent, and cheesy sci-fi movie is bogged down by it's racist heritage. 

The movie opens introducing us to our main villain, Ming the Merciless who decides to use his weather controlling buttons to mess around with Earth before making the Moon slowly descend towards the planet to destroy it. After that brief scene, we then get a awesome title credits sequence with music by the band QUEEN playing in the background. QUEEN was actually responsible for almost all the music in the film, which I admit is a huge redeeming factor for this movie. After the opening credits we are introduced to our hero, Flash Gordon who at this time is the star quarterback of The New York Jets. On a plane ride, he meets Dale Arden, a travel agent who doesn't like air travel. Flash flirts with her, and after three minutes, she becomes way into him.Suddenly the pilots disappear, making Flash have to land the plane himself. Back down on ground, the ex-NASA scientist Zarkov, is trying to get his assistant to get on the rocket, and stop whoever is causing the strange natural disasters. The assistant runs off however. Though that is when Gordon, and Dale crash into Zarkov's lab. Luckily the two know who Zarkov already is, the ex-NASA scientist who was fired for being crazy. Zarkov then tricks Flash, and Dale onto his rocket, and starts it, launching the trio into space. The spaceship lands on the planet, Mongo, and the trio is promptly captured by Ming's forces. There is a useless scene where Flash does his football stuff in Ming's palace. Afterwards, Ming orders for Flash's execution, and Dale to become a new member of his harem. Zarkov is also taken to be brainwashed, and his memories wiped. Flash is seemingly killed, but saved by Ming's daughter, Aura, who is attracted to him despite being engaged. Aura is essentially a Space Thot. 

Aura then teaches Flash how to use telepathy to communicate with Dale, and is taken to meet some Robin-Hood looking people who's passage into adulthood ceremony involves sticking your hand into a tree to see if you get stung or not by an incredibly dangerous scorpion like creature.There the leader Barin, who is engaged to Aura, promises that he will not kill Flash. Sure enough Barin is not allowed to kill Flash, but nothing said that he couldn't instead challenge Flash to stick his hand into the pain tree. The two take turns putting their hands into the tree. Flash then pretends to be stung, and uses it to launch a surprise attack against Barin. He escapes for a little bit before both he, and Barin are captured by the Hawk People. To be honest though, the Hawk People just look like they belong in a Gay Biker Gang. Meanwhile back at Ming's Palace though, Klytus, the leader of Ming's secret Police force had spotted Aura helping Flash escape. Dale, and Zarkov also escape from the palace. Is it just me, or should Ming invest in a better security system? However shortly after escaping Zarkov reveals how he was able to resist the brainwashing by reciting Shakespeare. Literally just a couple minutes later, The two are captured by the Hawk People as well. At the Sky Castle our trio of heroes are reunited. Though it is short lived as the leader of the Hawk People, Vultan then demands that Barin, and Flash fight to the death, and i'm pretty dang sure that Game of Thrones stole this scene in the first or second season. The fight ends with Barin nearly falling into the void below, but Flash saves him, winning Barin's loyalty.

Back on Mongo, Klytus tortures Aura until she tells him where Flash is. Her father, Ming also decides to exile her after he marries Dale. Now Klytus arrives at the Sky Castle, and is promptly killed by Flash. Vultan, and his Hawk People then evacuate the castle as Ming will surely come to destroy them. Ming does arrive, and captures Dale, and Zarkov. Though before leaving he attempts to negotiate with Flash to stop, and in return he'll stop the destruction of Earth, and appoint Flash as the ruler. Flash turns down the offer however, and Ming leaves so he can blow up the Sky Castle. Flash is able to escape in the nick of time however as he finds a flying jet-ski, a space-ski? I don't know. Flash regroups with the Hawk People, as well as Barin, and his people, and makes a plan to defeat Ming. Vultan finally decides to team up with Flash to help him. Working together, Flash, and the Hawk People are able to take over one of Ming's warships. Flash prepares to sacrifice himself to save everyone, but that doesn't quite go to plan as Barin is able to lower the Palace's shields making Flash able to crash the ship into the pa;ace safely. Yes, I know what I just said. Ming is impaled on the tip of the ship, and shortly dies afterwards meaning that both Earth, and Mongo are saved. Barin, and Aura now rule over the planet bringing in a era of peace. Flash, Dale, and Zarkov then wonder if they'll ever be able to return to Earth. Oh well, everyone probably assumed you died in the airplane crash anyway. Other then that, it's a happy ending to the movie.

I swear I didn't edit this

If it weren't for the historical context, I would probably give this movie a higher rating. I try to look at this movie with an unbiased look, but seeing all the racist stuff going on behind, and on scene, I can't get over it. Because of the series' origins, and just being cheesy in general, Flash Gordon is getting a 2 out of 5 paws up.

Black Lives Matter

I know that I haven't posted in a long time, but there's something I need to talk about. Originally I intended on reviewing The Help this week as my come back. Then as I sat in front of my computer, and began to type it up, something felt off. I think that something is the fact that despite having lots of People of Color in my life, I am still white, and so I do not experience the same things as People of Color experience. Now instead of doing a review this time, instead I am asking you to help. You don't have to join any riots. Sometimes the best things we can do is just show that we care. If you want to though, you are welcome to donate to the official Black Lives Matter organization. Let's work together so then no one has to ever fear being unjustly murdered again.

Movie Review: Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure

There's a reason why Disney won't acknowledge this movie's existence

May the 4th be with you Star Wars fans. Today is as you might've guessed, Star Wars Day. For the event I decided that I would review something Star Wars related. Though I am not looking at any of the main movies, nor the newer spin-offs, we're going to uncover a piece of forgotten Star Wars canon, The Ewok spin-off movies. Though we are only looking at the first of the two, Caravan of Courage. Taking place before the original trilogy, Caravan of Courage follows two kids whose parents are captured by a creature named  Gorax after crash landing on the Ewok's moon of Endor. The friendly teddy bear like Ewoks then help the children rescue their parents. I'm going to say it now though, this movie is a snore fest, so forgive me if a few important parts are omitted from the review, not my fault this movie had me sleeping for the most part.

The movie opens on a fateful night of Endor where we are introduced to the main character's parents who are trying to find their missing children. Suddenly they are captured by a giant monster, and we don't see them until thirty minutes later in the movie. The next day, the movie introduces us to a family of Ewoks. One thing I will praise is that unlike The Star Wars Holiday Special, there is actually a narrator to help give context. Except the narrator doesn't, he only explains the obvious, then proceeds to not explain any of the other weird shit that happens in this movie. The Dad Ewok I guess uses a para glider to find his two oldest sons, then um, I have no fucking clue what is even happening half of the time, and we're only in the beginning! Another thing that I need to point out is all the Earth animals on this "alien" planet. Goats, chickens, miniature horses, ferrets, lizards, mice, and even rabbits. The Ewok Dad, and his sons, including the third, and youngest son Wicket go on a walk or something. On the walk they find the crashed Star Cruiser, and investigate. Inside they find a sick little girl named Cindel, and soon enough after, her brother Mace. They bring the kids back to their home, and help Mace nurse Cindel back to health. Then Mace proceeds to grab his sister, and try to run away. They are attacked by a monster, and shortly saved by the Ewoks. The Ewoks then agree to help them find their parents, but first go to the Mystic Ewok to see where their parents are being held. They find that the Giant Gorax had taken them, and will soon kill them, so they need to go quickly. The titular Caravan of Courage is formed, and the kids along with their new Ewok friends head off to save their parents. Each person in the group was also given a special item, though I have no idea what these items do at all. 

On their way the group comes across a axe-wielding Ewok who joins their group, and shortly after a wizard Ewok. The thing is though, there is no magic in the Star Wars universe, only The Force, but here we have a Ewok breaking the damn rules! There are parts with forced peril as well to lengthen the run-time like Mace being trapped underwater for some reason, and a horse running off with Cindel. Eventually they finally arrive at the Gorax's lair. Wicket shanks a giant enemy spider dead. One of the Ewoks distracts Gorax while Mace rescues his parents. Then Gorax returns, and ends up killing the axe-using Ewok. Mace cries because that Ewok was his friend, or something. Using some rope, they trip the Gorax into a deep ravine. It doesn't work at first until Mace uses his dead Ewok buddy's axe to finish off Gorax. The group celebrates as they return to the Ewok village where the human family decide to live with the Ewoks until their ship is fixed. Wicket also dances on a table.

Why did I do this? I take back everything, this is the worst Star Wars movie ever. It's boring, makes no sense, and is just completely pointless. Of course i'm sure there are some angry neck beards somewhere that will insist this movie is a masterpiece compared to any of the Sequel Movies. I don't like this movie, that's it. Much like Furry Vengeance, this doesn't even deserve a score. Good day! God... I think I need a drink...

Movie Review: Tremors 2: Aftershocks

For once the sequel is better

There is a stigma in the movie industry that sequels are typically downgrades of the movies they follow. The Tremors franchise however is much more different. Much rather then getting worse with each sequel, this Hextalogy (6 movies), soon to be Heptalogy (7 movies) later this year seems to just get better with every new entry in the series. As I said in my first Tremors review, I would take a look at the many sequels in the near future, and that near future is now. Anyway Tremors 2 takes place six years after the events of the first movie, and rather then following Earl, and Val, it is just Earl this time around as Val, and Rhonda gotten married, and moved to a big city together. Earl meanwhile is down on his luck when he is called to action by a Mexican Oil Baron whose oil refinery is infested with Graboids. With the reward of $50,000 per Graboid killed, he sets out to the oil refinery. While there however he, and his new partners will find that "The Worms Have Turned".

The movie begins at the aforementioned oil refinery where a worker is attempting to escape a Graboid. He almost makes it to safety, but is caught, and killed by the beast. We then skip back over to Perfection, Nevada, the setting of the first movie. It is here we find out that Val, and Rhonda had gotten married, and since moved away from Perfection while Earl is left behind running a failing Ostrich Ranch. He is then approached by Carlos who owns the refinery. He tells Earl that Graboids have been killing his workers, and that Earl is the only person he can think of to deal with the monsters. Earl at first refuses as he had barely survived the Graboid attack from six years ago. Grady, a Graboid fanboy who accompanied Carlos to find Earl then convinces Earl to come down to Mexico to fix the problem. Grady tells him that Carlos is offering $50,000 per Graboid he kills, and that the Mexican Army is willing to provide him with whatever he needs. With a monetary motivation, Earl, joined by Grady drive down to rural Mexico to hunt some Graboids. Arriving at the main office, Earl meets the rest of the cast, Handyman Pedro, and Geologists Katie, and Julio. Earl also learns that Carlos is willing to pay double if they manage to catch a live Graboid, though Earl says it's impossible to catch one. With the help of a computer that shows where the worms are in the area, we get a fun montage of Earl, and Grady using a new technique to kill Graboids based on Earl's idea from the first movie. The idea being "fishing". Though this time instead of lit dynamite on a rope, they now use remote controlled cars equipped with explosives. Soon enough the pair find out that there are much more Graboids in the area then anticipated, and because of this they need some backup from an old friend. A now divorced Burt Gummer, also from the first movie gladly comes to their aid bringing along a massive amount of heavy fire power, and 120-pounds of MREs (Ready-to-eat meals intended mostly for military use). We also learn that the Graboids are actually Pre-Cambrian, making them older then dinosaurs. All is going fine now, until later that day something unexpected happens.

Earl, and Grady come across a Graboid who much rather then charging after them, instead is running away. Earl suspects that it's trying to lure them into a trap as the Graboids have been known to learn over time. The two go after it anyway, though while chasing it, the chains on their truck gets caught up with the worm causing it to drag the truck towards a rock. With the car crashed, the two panic as they expect the Graboid to attack at any moment, but surprisingly enough, it doesn't. The two investigate, and find the Graboid completely above ground, and immobile. Earl, and Grady celebrate as they realize they can cash in this live in. With the truck destroyed they radio Pedro to come, and pick them up. Later that night while still waiting for Pedro, more unexpected things happen. With the Graboid now crying out in pain before suddenly stopping, the two investigate, and find their Graboid dead, and completely gutted. Earl seeing that something must've come out of it suggests that it metamorphosed into something new. In the distance they see Pedro's car finally arriving, only to suddenly stop. Reluctantly, they investigate, and find the car ripped apart, and Pedro dead. They also find that the radios are not working, and head to the radio tower to try, and fix it. When they get to the radio tower though, once again, it is completely destroyed. They soon come across their new enemy, a small Graboid like creature, that instead of crawling, walks on two legs. They manage to kill it, but soon more arrive. Luckily the are able to escape before the creatures got to them. Burt also has a run-in with the new creatures. Early the next day, Katie is just doing her science stuff when suddenly her assistant Julio is attacked, and killed by a group of them. Katie is soon enough saved by Earl, and Grady; and Burt returns understandably pissed off about the situation. Despite using up all of his ammo, turns out that he had managed to capture one live. Now with it locked up in a cage, the group can do some tests. 

They are quickly able to find out that the now named Shriekers are both blind, and deaf; they instead hunt by heat signatures. This means that the attacks on the radio tower, and cars were mostly accidental, Another thing we find out is that they reproduce asexually when fed enough food. This discover only helps foreshadow what is to happen now. Turns out, a lone Shrieker had sneaked into the building from being stuck under Burt's truck. To make matters worse, it gets into Burt's MRE supply. You can probably guess what happens next, absolute chaos. The Shriekers attack the group, and they are barely able to escape using their sense to detect body heat against them. We also get probably one of the best scenes in the series, Burt does what he does best, overkill. Using a handheld cannon, Burt blows a Shrieker into small chunks. Though doing that, he also accidentally destroyed the last working car in the area. With the Shriekers spotting the group, they mange to escape up a roof in classic Tremors style. Burt however, is now cornered in the scooping part of a bulldozer. Before they can devise a plan, the Shriekers begin to stack on top of each other to reach the roof. Burt then gets a idea, and runs out into the open causing the Shriekers to chase after him. He leads them all into a warehouse, and quickly shuts the door on them. At first this does the trick, until they realize that there are pounds of food in there, making the Shriekers rapidly multiply. Earl decides to have a fire extinguisher used on him to reduce his body temperature, and heads into the warehouse to grab one of Burt's bombs. Earl is barely able to escape as he sets off a detonation timer. Burt realizing what he's done warns everyone to run away as the blast will be huge. Indeed it is, almost a nuclear sized blast that left nothing, but a crater of what was once an oil refinery. I mean hey, it was either the refinery, or the world, so it's okay. With every single Shrieker, and Graboid in the area dead, our trio celebrate. Earl also gets with Katie, and as for Burt. Well let's just say that Burt becomes the main character of the franchise now, no more Kevin Bacon, or Fred Ward. 

Tremors 2 proves that good sequels can exist, and in this case, I would say that Tremors 2 is better then the first movie.For one thing, it nailed that Comedy part that was lacking from their last Horror/Comedy flick. The series in my personal opinion only gets better from here, so stay tuned for future Tremors reviews. For now though, Aftershocks gets a 5 out of 5 Paws up.