Movie Review: The Lorax

I speak for the trees, and the trees say, "What the actual hell is this movie?"

Thanks to these Illumination Entertainment adaptations of these classic stories, Dr. Seuss is now rolling in his grave so much we can power the entire country! Ah yes, The Lorax, a classic story showcasing how we need to take care of our forests, and not allow them to be chopped down in the name of capitalism. What better way to truly show off that message then to make a movie that's sponsored by a car. A car that comes from a polluting factory. Not to mention all the toys that were made as well from plastic heavy Happy Meal trinkets, to plushies, most likely from a toxic factory somewhere in a 3rd-world country. Ah yes, just as Theodor Seuss himself  intended. Moving away from that though, the movie on it's own tries to tell a heart warming story of a young boy determined to get a real tree in a world, or at least area with no trees at all. The Lorax however just presents itself as a soulless cash grab of an iconic story for the sake of seeming Eco-friendly.

The Lorax opens with the titular character telling us about Thneedville, though that really isn't necessary as we immediately jump into a exposition musical number. Yes, this movie is a musical. During this song we learn everything there is to know about the city, and how life seems to be perfect despite the fact that they need to buy bottled air frequently. This song shows one thing I really dislike about this movie, it explains everything to the viewer. Even if it is "just a kid's movie", by giving everything to the audience, you make them feel stupid, and sure kids can be pretty dumb, but I think they're smarter then Hollywood thinks they are. After the musical number we are introduced to our main character Ted who has a crush on this girl, but I forgot her name because she only appears a couple times in the movie despite seeming like a major character. I'll just call her Tree Girl, cause this hoe is obsessed with wanting to see a real tree. She even states that if a boy brought her a real tree, she would marry him on the spot. Thus with his dick raised, Ted sets out to find a real tree. Yup, you heard that right folks. This kid saves the environment by being horny. Good job Ted. At home Ted's "wacky XD" grandma tells him about The Once-ler, a shut-in hermit who lives outside of Thneedville, and somehow hasn't died yet from the smog, and poisoned waters. Ted finds a way outside of town, and comes across the home of The Once-ler. Once-ler reluctantly begins to tell the tale of how he destroyed all trees. In the beginning though he was an aspiring entrepreneur hoping to find the perfect material for his latest invention The Thneed. He soon comes across the grand, and beautiful Truffula Tree Forest inhabited by a variety of forest animals such as Minion Bears, Minion Fish, and Birds. Of course Illumination were going to shove their Minion formula into this, though this only created annoying side characters that don't add anything. Upon arriving at the forest, Once-ler chops down one of the trees, summoning the titular Lorax.

As Once-ler begins to make his first Thneed, Lorax tries to explain that he can't just cut down the trees with no consequences. Once-ler ignores the furry critter though, and continues his work. That night The Lorax along with the other woodland animals take him in his bed, and float Once-ler down a river hoping that he will just disappear. However, one of the bears is on the bed meaning that Lorax has to stop the bed from going over the waterfall. One pointless scene later, Once-ler promises not to cut down another tree ever, yeah that will last long. Once-ler, Lorax, and the animals all become good friends now as Once-ler attempts to sell his Thneed to the people living in a nearby city. Every time though he gets only tomatoes thrown at him. That is until he decides to give up, and tosses the Thneed. The Thneed lands on a girl's head as a hat, and everyone wants one now. Once-ler at first plans to handle this demand in a Eco-friendly manner by just harvesting the tufts from the Truffula Trees much rather then cutting down the whole tree. That changes though once Once-ler's selfish family arrives, and complaining about the efficiency convince Once-ler to let them chop down trees. Once-ler attempts to defend his actions in the song, "How Bad Can I Be?", which is one of the only memorable parts from the movie to be honest. During the song, Once-ler proceeds to build huge factories that pollute the sky, and water. With the song over, Lorax tries to stop him only for it to be too late, the last tree falls. Along with all the animals, the Lorax leaves, leaving Once-ler in a desolate wasteland. With the story now complete, Once-ler gives a special item to Ted, a single Truffula Tree seed. He is then directed to plant it in the center of town where everyone will see it. It won't be too easy however.

Waiting for him at home is O'Hare who sells air to everyone in Thneedville. He wants to keep Ted from planting the tree due to the fact that the trees produce free air. A drawn out chase scene then happens. At first when Ted proposes that they let the tree grow, the people are against him. Though after using a bulldozer to bring down the wall of Thneedville to show off what the world has become, the people change their minds in the song, "Let it grow". The movie skips to the nearby future where Once-ler is tending to a garden of Truffula Tree saplings. They never explain where the other seeds come from though. As Once-ler finally redeemed himself, The Lorax, along with the woodland animals return. The movie then ends, and what did we learn? We learned that the Truffula Trees would've never came back if it wasn't for Ted being horny. So kids, the lesson here is to always follow your dick.

First things first, if you want to watch an actually good movie about environmentalism, then watch Wall-E instead of this shameless cash grab. The Lorax might entertain children for a short period, but if you want your kids to get anything meaningful out of this movie, you're out of luck. This movie is incredibly forgettable, with me forgetting about major plot points halfway through the movie! The only redeeming quality this movie might have was having Danny Devito as the titular character. However, even he can't save this dumpster fire. The Lorax gets a 1 out of 5 Paws up.

Movie Review: Pokemon: Detective Pikachu

This evolution for video game movies has shocked our expectations

When rumors of a "live-action" Pokemon movie began popping up in Spring of 2016, many people reacted negatively. At this point in time, there has been no good video game movie, ever. The idea of seeing a realistic Pokemon was also a bit unsettling to some fans. However, when the trailer for Detective Pikachu was dropped in the Fall of 2018, people began to praise it for it's already amazing portrayal of many different Pokemon, including the titular Detective Pikachu. Once released in the Spring of the following year, the movie was successful with box critics, fans, and made millions at the box office. It was with Detective Pikachu that ushered in a new era of video game movies that are actually good. The last one of these I looked at was my mini-review for Sonic The Hedgehog which released earlier this year. Enough with the history lesson though. Detective Pikachu takes place in the wonderful world of Pokemon. We follow a young man named Tim Goodman who while in Ryme City gets caught up in a mystery to find his missing father with the help of a talking Pikachu.

The movie starts with someone escaping from a mysterious laboratory where Mewtwo is being kept. Mewtwo escapes, and from the audience's perspective, Mewtwo destroys the car. After this opening scene, we then meet our main character, Tim, a 21 year old boy who works for an insurance company located in his small town. One of his friends tries to get him to catch a Pokemon, but fails. Tim replies saying that he doesn't want a Pokemon, he just wants to focus on his job at the moment. Though he then gets a call from the Ryme City Police Department. We can tell by his expressions that it isn't good. Next we see Tim on a train to Ryme City. On the way he reads a newspaper article revealing that the person in the car at the beginning of the movie was Tim's dad, Harry. The article states that his father, and partner Pokemon had perished in a car crash. Arriving in Ryme City, he meets up with Hideo Yoshida, a police officer that worked closely with Harry Goodman. Afterwards, Tim heads off to his father's apartment. Arriving at the apartment building, Tim meets Lucy, a young aspiring journalist. Along with her partner, Psyduck she wants to uncover the truth behind Harry's death. Once in the apartment, coming across his father's desk, Tim finds something a bit suspicious. Tim finds a small vial filled with purple gas, it is later referred to as R Gas, that he accidentally, and unknowingly unleashed onto a group of nearby Aipom. Upon breathing in the gas, the simian Pokemon's eyes turn purple, and they start becoming aggressive. Tim stops looking around the apartment though when he hears an unfamiliar voice, and grabs a stapler for self-defense. Though what he comes across isn't a intruder, but much rather our titular Detective Pikachu. Hearing the Pikachu speak like a normal human, causes Tim to panic a bit, understandably. The two's introductions are cut short however when the rabid Aipom bust into the apartment attacking both Tim, and Pikachu. 

Tim, and Pikachu get away from the group of Aipom, and see that they now have returned to normal. Tim then tries to see if anyone else can hear Pikachu speak, but of course all they hear is normal Pikachu sounds. Finally calming down, Tim agrees to go with Pikachu to a local coffee shop to discuss the case further. It is then Tim finds out that Pikachu is his father's partner Pokemon. The news article though said both Harry, and his Pikachu perished, but with Pikachu alive Tim is filled with hope that they can find Harry. Pikachu though doesn't know too much, as he had lost his memory shortly before meeting Tim. The next day, Tim, and Pikachu decide to go meet with Lucy at her place of work to ask her about the mysterious vial that was found in the apartment. Lucy tells Tim that Harry had been looking into a case about these vials, and must've found out too much. She then tells him that the vials were found around the docks. That night, Tim, and Pikachu go to the docks to try, and find the informant. The informant turns out to be a Mr. Mime, which leads into one of my favorite scenes in the movie. For context, Mr. Mime, is well, a mime Pokemon who can create invisible barriers. By using it's own power against it Tim, and Pikachu are able to get the information that they need from Mr. Mime. The due then arrive at an underground Pokemon Battle dome. At the place, the guy running it recognizes Pikachu for wounding his Charizard, and challenges them to a rematch. Tim, and Pikachu agree as they need the information from this guy. In a slight twist though, turns out that Pikachu's memory loss also affected his fighting ability, meaning that he can't use any of his specialty thunder attacks. It also doesn't help that shortly before the battle starts the opponent makes his Charizard breathe in a whole vial of the R Gas.During the battle, more vials of R Gas are accidentally broken causing all the Pokemon in the building to go wild. With this, the Battle Dome is ruined, and Tim, along with Pikachu are apprehended by the police as Pokemon Battling is illegal in Ryme City.

Tim, and Pikachu then meet with Mr. Yoshida who proceeds to show them both footage of the crash. Seeing the footage, the older police officer insists that there is no way his father could've survived. Pikachu is disappointed by this, though having bonded with Tim, Tim decides to help Pikachu recover his memory. He also explains that as a child, he wanted to be a Pokemon trainer, but after his mother died his father became more wrapped up in his work, making Tim feel unloved. Pikachu insists that his father loved him, and that he would be damn proud, yes Pikachu says damn. As the two decide to search for Pikachu's lost memory, suddenly a black van appears, and in it a mysterious woman let's them know that Howard Clifford, the founder of Ryme City wants to see them. Going to meet Howard, the old man explains that his son, Roger must be behind this. He also shows Tim that the car crash was caused by Mewtwo, and that he took Tim's father. The next day Tim, Pikachu, Lucy, and Psyduck head off to the now abandoned research lab from the beginning of the movie. There they find Pokemon that are being genetically experimented on from Greninja with power enhancements to Torterras with growth enhancements, though the Torterras seen in the building are normal sized. Tim, and Pikachu find out that the scientists at the lab were creating R Gas from Mewtwo for it's mind-controlling abilities. Looking further into the security footage, it's implied that it was Harry who had brought them Mewtwo. They want more answers, but that's the end of the security footage. As they finish their investigation of the lab, the group are attacked by the genetically enhanced Greninja who chase them outside the lab. They manage to escape however using Psyduck's incredible psychic power. As the Greninja are defeated though, a new threat appears. 

Turns out the entire outdoor area of the lab is the Torterra enclosure. The growth enhancements have made the Grass-type Pokemon grow to colossal sizes. As they are awoken from their hibernation, the entire forest crumbles around the protagonists. Pikachu is hit by falling debris, and nearly dies if not for the help of a group of Bulbasaur leading Tim to a Pokemon who can heal Pikachu. That healer Pokemon though turns out to be Mewtwo. Mewtwo isn't hostile however, and heals Pikachu. When Pikachu wakes up, Mewtwo tries to show them both what really happened at the crash. Though all they get to see is Pikachu, freeing Mewtwo, and Mewtwo saying that humanity is evil. Before it can finish it's explanation, Mewtwo is captured by Roger, and taken away. Now thinking that he had betrayed Harry, Pikachu insists on separating from Tim not wanting to hurt him too. Lucy, Tim, and Psyduck return to Ryme City. Tim tells Lucy that she needs to get to a news camera, and tell the city about Roger's plan, while he goes up to Howard's office. Meanwhile at the same time Pikachu comes across the location of the crash. Looking around, he finds a Greninja star. After some thinking, he figures out who the real villain is, and starts running back to Ryme City to save his friend. In Howard's office, Tim tries to tell him that his son got Mewtwo. Though it is then revealed that Mewtwo is inside Howard's office, captured. Howard sprays Mewtwo with R Gas which he then uses to transfer his mind into the legendary Pokemon. Having fused, he escapes into the city to do the same to everyone, and their Pokemon. Pikachu arrives in time to see the aftermath, and with his powers back, Pikachu begins to fight with Mewtwo. Meanwhile at the same time, still in Howard's office, Tim decides to try, and take off the mind control helmet that Howard's human body is wearing. Though he is stopped by another one of Howard's creations, a Ditto with the power to replicate not only Pokemon, but also humans to perfect detail, well except for the eyes. Tim also finds Roger trapped in a closet which shows that Ditto was pretending to be a evil Roger this whole time, Ditto was also the mysterious woman from earlier. Basically if anyone is wearing shade, assume they were a Ditto the whole time. I think i'll still be seeing human Ditto in my nightmares though.

Tim is able to finally defeat Ditto by spraying it with R Gas which causes it to transform multiple times before fainting. Back to the fight between Howard Mewtwo, and Pikachu though, Pikachu decides to use his Volt Tackle against Howard. Howard says it's useless as a Pikachu can't defeat a Mewtwo. Pikachu replies saying that he doesn't need to defeat Mewtwo, but buy Tim time. He then sees Tim taking the mind control device off of Howard, freeing Mewtwo. With Mewtwo now free it uses it's incredible power to reverse the city's transformation. With everyone back to normal, Howard is arrested, and Roger allows Lucy to tell the story to the whole city, as long as she puts in a nice thing about Roger planning to undo everything his dad did. Mewtwo also tells Tim that his father was with him all along, and we get the big reveal. The Greninja had caused the car crash, and his father was supposed to die, but Mewtwo taking in both of the selflessness decides to save Harry by fusing him with his Pikachu until the body recovers. In the next scene, Tim is at the train station seemingly planning on returning home, he then hears a familiar voice. Though the voice isn't coming from any Pikachu, it's his father, Harry, now returned into his proper human form. He is also accompanied by his Pikachu. Tim tells his father that he's decided to stay in Ryme City with him, and wants to become a detective. I can only hope that this leads into future adventures in Ryme City.

Let me first say, I absolutely loved how they made the Pokemon in this movie. The Pokemon still have their familiar designs, but they look like they could be a part of our world. The visuals have to be the best part of this movie. The plot is a bit predictable, but I forgive it since it's full of charm, easter eggs, and some nice laughs. There is a reason that this movie is one of my most favorites, and I hope that you see now as well. To me Detective Pikachu is a 5 out of 5 Paws up experience. 

by the way, did I mention that it's my birthday today?

Movie Review: Hop

Jesus didn't die for this

What the actual hell were they thinking when making this movie. Illumination, known infamously for bringing the Minions into the world. In 2011, the company produced a live-action/animation hybrid movie just in time for Easter called Hop. Hop is the story of the son of the Easter Bunny, E.B. who does not want to become a Easter Bunny. E.B. much rather become a professional drummer. The young rabbit teams up with the human Fred who has always been a fan of the Easter Bunny, and trains him to become the first human Easter Bunny. That isn't even the worst part. The worst part is probably the oppressed Mexican chicks that work for the bunnies at their Easter factory, but I'll get more into that in a bit.

The movie opens on portraits of past Easter Bunnies with Fred narrating before saying that the movie we are about to watch is the story of how he became the first human Easter Bunny. There is then a panning shot Easter Island, where underneath the strange heads lives the Easter Bunny, and his entire operation. We are introduced to a young E.B.who we can already tell really likes playing drums, even from a young age. His unnamed father who is only referred to as The Easter Bunny gives young E.B. a tour of the Easter Factory. Here we immediately see the symbolism in this movies as the bunnies exert their white privilege over the Hispanic chicks, and um. I was going somewhere, but then I got distracted because one of the chicks was doing a funny dance haha. In the next scene we see a young Fred spotting the Easter Bunny in his backyard hiding eggs all over the place. After that we cut to twenty years later when Fred is now fully grown into the family disappointment. Like literally everyone in his family has this disgust towards him. Everyone except his supportive sister who sets him up with a job interview, and a place to stay for a couple of weeks. At the same time E.B. decides to run away from home not wanting to become the next Easter Bunny. When Fred is driving to the house he'll be staying at, he accidentally hits E.B. with his car. Though he isn't hurt at all it seems. E.B. however decides to fake an injury, so he can have Fred take him home to take care of him. I should probably add, in the scene before E.B. tries to get into the Playboy Manor saying that he fits the criteria of being "sexy", and a "bunny". You know, for kids!

The next day, Fred finds that E.B. is just fine, and that he's made a huge mess out of the house that he was supposed to make sure nothing happened to. Fred decides to then take E.B., and attempt to ditch him in the wild. It does not work out though as E.B. explains to Fred that he is actually the Easter Bunny, and proves it by shitting jellybeans. I know it's always been a silly joke with kids that jellybeans are rabbit poop, but Illumination didn't have to take that literally! Fred reluctantly decides to allow E.B. to stay with him, but first he needs to go to the job interview that his sister set up for him at a local Video Game Development Company. Though he is half an hour late, Fred is given a tour of the building while the manager interviews him. E.B. seemed fine waiting in the car as well, though he can't stay in the car as it turns out his father had sent the Pink Berets after him. Of course the trio are a homage to Charlie's Angels, another joke in this movie that children will not get. E.B. loses the Pink Berets by going into the building where Fred is doing his interview. Soon enough the rabbit finds his way into the recording studio where a blind blues band is recording their music. E.B. joins in seeing that they are missing a drummer. After the performance, the band tells him that they know he's not their drummer, but he plays great. One of the members can even tell that he's a rabbit as he leaves. Fred ends up not getting the job, but E.B. finds a new opportunity, the band told him that David Hasslehoff is hosting a talent competition, and he should try out. Fred agrees to take E.B. to the tryouts. 

Fred, and E.B. go to the Auditions, and The Hoff approves. Though upon asking David why he isn't phased by the talking rabbit, David replies, "My best friend is a talking car". I'll admit, that part made me laugh a bit, but once again it's a joke that children will not get at all. Later that night Fred attends his younger sister's Easter play. E.B. though interrupts forcing Fred to fake a ventriloquist act, completely upstaging his sister. It is after this that Fred realizes he wants to become the Easter Bunny. Though reluctant E.B. agrees to help him, and queue the training montage. The leader of the chicks, Carlos also has his own training montage as he wants to take over as the Easter Chick. At the end of the montage, the Pink Berets finally figure out where E.B. is. Not wanting to lose his chance at fame playing on David Hasselhoff's show, he quickly fakes his death by dressing up a turkey, and placing in a boiling pot of water. Good thing rabbits are super dumb because this works. Fred is accused of murder, and is taken to Easter Island. Now thinking that E.B. is dead, Carlos puts his plans to work, and steals E.B.'s dad's magic staff that gives him his Easter Bunny powers. E.B. arrives, and is captured, but manages to escape with ease. Same with Fred, and E.B.'s dad. Carlos now morphs into an abomination hybrid of a chick, and bunny. Carlos is about to get away with taking over Easter when E.B. starts playing some nearby crates as drums causing the funny dancing chicken from before to start dancing. The dancing leads to the Easter sleigh crashing, and Carlos is defeated (Yes, I know what I just said). E.B.'s dad then assigns both Fred, and E.B. as co-Easter Bunnies, and all is well, except for Carlos whose species' exploitation will only continue until their untimely possibly factory related demise. Fred's family is also now proud of him for getting a job, even if that job is delivering Easter baskets all around the globe. I know what you're thinking, "what the actual fuck", but yes, that's the end.

Hop is probably one of the most cursed movies I have ever seen. It should've never been. I now want to go back in time, and stop Jesus from dying so then Easter doesn't exist, and with it this damn movie. Peter Rabbit Cottontail is hopping his way into a 2 out of 5 Paws up rating. Happy Easter, don't watch this movie please.

Movie Review: Jojo's Bizarre Adventure Diamond is Unbreakable

It's pretty bizarre how good this is

A lot of you are probably very confused asking yourself, "what's a Jojo, and why does he go on bizarre adventures?", well allow me to provide some context. Jojo's Bizarre Adventure is a Japanese comic book series from the 1980s. The story follows a long lineage of heroic men who all share one thing in common, the nickname, Jojo. Since it's debut, the series has gone on to become a cultural icon, not only in Japan, but also in the west. This movie is a adaptation of the anime adaptation of the 4th part of the series. I know that sounds confusing, but please let me info dump real quick. Part 1 is the origin of the Jojo lineage, with British gentleman Johnathan Joestar fighting against the evil vampire Dio (Yes, Dio as in the 1982 heavy metal band, this series loves sprinkling in classic rock references). Part 2 follows Johnathan's grandson, Joseph as he fights against three immortal Aztec Gods. Part 3 is when Dio returns, and it's up to Joseph's grandson, Jotaro to finally stop Dio once, and for all while also learning the value of friendship, and brotherhood. Then we have Part 4, which this movie is based on. Josuke is the son of Joseph, born from an affair. Josuke is reluctantly dragged into a bizarre string of murders that have been going around the small town of Morioh-Cho. I should also probably explain another thing real quick. After Part 2, we are introduced to "Stands", stands being the physical manifestation of one's fighting spirit, and 90% of them are named after song titles, or bands from the 80s and 90s. I hope this impromptu crash course helps provide enough context for this review, as we look at Jojo's Bizarre Adventure Diamond is Unbreakable.

The movie opens with a police raid on a crazed man who is holding a family hostage. Before they can capture him though, he escapes into a nearby alleyway. However the criminal is then shot with an arrow through his neck. That isn't even the strange part, it's when he doesn't die. A strange man approaches him saying that he has been chosen, for what normal viewers aren't quite sure yet, but Jojo fans know whats up. This guy is being given a stand, now I really can't explain how this works without typing up a whole paragraph, so just pretend it just works like that. The criminal then proceeds to use his Stand, named Aqua Necklace (This is a reference to the band Asia, and their 1992 album Aqua) to escape from police custody, and the movie begins. We are introduced to one of our main characters, Koichi. He is riding his bike to school when he is suddenly stopped by a couple of bullies. This is when we are introduced to our protagonist Josuke, or as his friends call him, Jojo. Josuke seems to not care too much, though when the bullies make fun of his hairstyle he proceeds to beat them up. However strangely enough, in a flash their faces are fixed, and patched up. The bullies run away, though Koichi is still bummed out as his bike got broken during the skirmish. With another flash however, the bike has been mysteriously fixed. After school, Koichi, and Josuke are stopped outside a convenience store where a deranged man has a woman held at knife point. Here we see more of Josuke's powers at work. Josuke though is about to leave the scene, when the deranged man makes fun of his hair. You can probably tell by now, Josuke's hair is a sensitive subject to him. Suddenly we see the knife go through both the woman, and the man. When the woman is released though, there is no blood, or wounds on either of them. However, where did the knife go? It's inside the guy of course. Before the police can apprehend the man, a watery figure gushes out of his mouth, and proceeds to disappear. Josuke not thinking too much about it, heads home.

Later that night, we see the bow, and arrow wielding man again who tries to activate a stand in a different person, but instead it kills them meaning that they are not chosen. The next day walking home from another day of school, Josuke is approached by Jotaro, the protagonist of Jojo Part 3. Jotaro tells him that he is Joseph's son, and that it technically makes Josuke Jotaro's uncle even though Jotaro is in his early 30s by now. Jotaro then asks if Josuke ever sees anything strange, like ghostly images. They are interrupted though when a group of girls that fawn over Josuke show up. Jotaro then proceeds to say something bad about Josuke's hair, and he is ready to fight. Josuke tries to throw a punch with his Stand, but is countered by Jotaro's own Stand named, Star Platinum. Being a experienced fighter, Jotaro is able to knock Josuke down. Of course though this looks very strange to the other people watching as people without Stands are not able to see Stands. After being beat by Jotaro, Josuke explains that he did see something like a Stand yesterday when he saved that lady outside the convenience store. Jotaro tells him to keep an eye out for it before leaving. The next scene we see Jotaro contacting The Speedwagon Foundation, named after Johnathan Joestar's best friend Robert E.O Speedwagon. The organization is dedicated to studying the phenomena behind Stands, and stopping evil Stand Users. After that the movie catches up with the criminal who was given Stand powers at the beginning of the movie, his name being Angelo. Angelo finds out where Josuke lives, and along with it finds out that Josuke is related to the police officer who almost caught him. That night, Angelo plans to kill the whole family, starting with Josuke's mother. That doesn't work out though as Josuke arrives in time to catch Aqua Necklace, and trap it inside a bottle. Upon capturing the Stand, he shakes it around which causes Angelo to get shaken around as well as Stands are directly connected to their Users, and whatever happens to the Stand, will happen to the User as well. 

After his mother leaves the house, he calls up Jotaro to tell him that he caught the Stand. Jotaro arrives, but not in time as Josuke hears his grandfather collapse in the next room. Turns out while Josuke was distracted, Aqua Necklace disguised the bottle as alcohol, and the old man was tricked into drinking it, allowing the Stand to kill him from the inside. Josuke, and Jotaro go into his grandfather's room, and find him on the floor covered in blood. Josuke tries to use his Stand to heal him up, but it's no use his grandfather had already died. Jotaro commends Josuke though as his power to heal is kind, but it won't bring his grandfather back. Just in case you guys aren't exactly getting it; Josuke's Stand, Crazy Diamond (Yes, like the Pink Floyd song) has the ability to repair, and heal which makes it very useful  for many things, Though the catch is that, Josuke cannot heal himself. Back to the movie now. Coming back to the living room, all the sinks in the house have been turned on to flood the floors as Aqua Necklace can only travel by water. It also starts a hot bath, and a full kettle of water to fill the room with steam, making even breathing dangerous to our heroes. Josuke comes up with a quick plan though, and uses Crazy Diamond to punch a hole through the wall before repairing it, buying time for our protagonists. However the next room isn't safe either as there is a humidifier in there. Aqua Necklace is then able to enter Josuke's body. Josuke planned ahead though, and instead of coughing up blood, coughs up a rubber glove with the trapped Aqua Necklace inside. What happened was that he has Crazy Diamond rip up the glove, he then ate it, then once Aqua Necklace was inside, repair the glove so then the Stand is trapped inside. With the Stand captured, the duo confront Angelo who is nearby at a large rock. Angelo tells Josuke that he can't kill him otherwise he'll be just as bad, this gives Josuke a great idea. Instead of killing him, or allowing anyone to kill him at all, or even get him sent to jail Josuke instead uses Crazy Diamond to break apart both the rock, and Angelo, then fusing the two together. Now as a rock Angelo will forever live with his sins. I don't know about you, but that's pretty bad ass.

Once Angelo is defeated we get to learn more about the guy going around town shooting people with a magical arrow. His name is Keicho, and he has a slightly younger brother named Okuyasu. We don't know their exact motives yet, but they do want to put a stop to Josuke. During his grandfather's funeral, Josuke catches a glimpse of Keicho, and follows him, Koichi also follows Josuke wondering what he's doing leaving his own grandfather's funeral. The two follow Keicho to a old derelict manor where Koichi is suddenly shot by the Stand Arrow. Keicho then drags Koichi into the manor while his brother Okuyasu deals with Josuke. Okuyasu reveals his Stand, The Hand (Based after popular 1970s rock group, The Band). The Hand's ability is that with his right hand he can swipe anything out of existence, even the space between objects making him able to essentially teleport objects, or people directly to him. Josuke is able to defeat him by dodging his attack in time causing Okuyasu to swipe a large statue at himself. With Okuyasu down, Josuke proceeds into the manor to save Koichi. Upon finding both Keicho, and Koichi, Keicho reveals his Stand Bad Company (Based on the band of the same name). Unlike the other Stands we've seen in the movie though that take a singular humanoid form, Bad Company manifests itself as a tiny army of itty-bitty well trained soldiers. What they lack in size though, they make up for in firearms. Using their machine guns, they fire at Josuke. Though Josuke dodges some of the bullets, Okuyasu who had just arrived to help his brother is caught in the crossfire, and shot all over. Josuke then drags Okuyasu away, and heals him up with Crazy Diamond since he cares about everyone, even his enemies. With Okuyasu not dying anymore, Josuke returns upstairs to save his friend Koichi who is bleeding out from the Stand Arrow wound. However with Bad Company in the room, Josuke can't get close. Okuyasu then returns upstairs, and uses The Hand to bring Koichi over to Josuke for healing. Thanks to his help, Koichi is now healed up, and very confused about what's going on. 

Keicho shortly returns with even more Bad Company, ah, see what I did there, LAUGH. Josuke uses his Crazy Diamond to try, and deflect the bullets, and missiles being shot by the army, but something strange is going on. Koichi, is beginning to see it, meaning that he now has a Stand. Keicho demands that he bring forth his Stand, Koichi does, but well, it's a literal egg. Trust me though his Stand is pretty awesome, it just needs to evolve first. Keicho is disappointed, but he moves on, and demands that Bad Company destroy Josuke. During this part, we also learn the rules of Keicho's Stand, once they receive an order, it can't be modified until it is complete, which means that he can't call off the attack. Josuke being the clever fella he is though uses this to his advantage, and repairs the two missiles that were shot at him earlier, and sends them back to Keicho. Keicho now cannot protect himself as they already have a different order. Keicho is then defeated, and Bad Company disappears. Keicho then retreats further upstairs before Koichi, and Josuke hear a strange sound, and go to investigate. In the attic, they find what appears to be a monster. Keicho explains that it is him, and Okuyasu's father. The reason why Keicho had the Stand Arrow was that he was looking for someone that could kill his father. Their father who was once human, fell under a curse that deformed his body, and caused him to become immortal, absolutely nothing is able to kill him. Keicho claims that their father is far from human anymore as all he does all day is scratch around a old box. Josuke however sees that there is something important about this box, and uses his Stand to return it to it's original form. Along with the box being repaired, what was in it is also repaired. That thing being an old family photo. Turns out all this time, their father was trying to find their family photo, which means that deep down he is still human. Josuke is able to convinced Okuyasu, that instead of killing him, they should try to cure him. Keicho however refuses as he's already killed too many people, so there is no redemption for him. Before Okuyasu can say anything, suddenly something completely strange happens.

Through the window crashes a tiny, but very fast tank looking thing with a chattering skull attached to it. I would explain it, and go into detail, but then we'd really be treading that spoiler territory. Anyway the little tank thing blows up Keicho then runs away with the Stand Arrow. Though Josuke, and the rest assume it was destroyed in the blast. A few days after these events, Okuyasu, Koichi, and Josuke are now all friends, and Josuke makes a promise to protect Morioh-Cho from evil. The credits roll now, but during the credits is a big tease to a sequel that unfortunately never happened. That has to be the worst part of this, it left me wanting more without any more to give. Tragic.

Now for a live-action adaptation of an anime... I thought this was really good. The characters look right, well maybe not Koichi, but whatever. The special effects are fantastic as well, I love the way they handled Stands in this. This movie deserves more praise from the anime community, unfortunately though it didn't make enough at the box office, and the plan for a part 2 was scrapped. Even if I knew nothing about Jojo, I would think that this is a pretty good movie. By the way, if you're curious now, and want to check out the series, the first 3 parts are available on Netflix in both the original Japanese audio, as well as English dubbing. Part 1 is a little slow, but watch through it all, and you will be rewarded greatly. Back to the movie though. I thought this was a well executed movie that all fans of the series should check out. This bizarre adventure gets 4 out of 5 Paws up.

Announcement: April 10th, and 16th movie reviews

This may be new information for all my readers here, but April 16th, is actually my birthday. Since because my birthday is coming up, I decided that I wanted to be extra self indulgent for the next couple movie reviews. This Friday, we will be looking at the live-action adaption of the anime Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Diamond is Unbreakable Part 1. Then the day of my birthday, we'll be looking at one of my most favorite movies in recent years, Detective Pikachu. There won't be a Friday review that time as my birthday is on Thursday this year. While you're still reading this, I may as well tell you guys about a special review for Easter Sunday. I will force myself to watch the atrocious live-action animation hybrid movie, Hop. I hope you are all looking forward to these reviews!

 

Movie Review: Resident Evil: Degeneration

Thanks, but I much rather play the games

The new remake for Resident Evil 3 has come out. I myself am a big fan of the series, and so decided that this week I will be looking at one of the Resident Evil movies. Not the live action ones however, I have too much of a dislike for those films. Instead we will be looking at the first of the animated movie trilogy. Released in 2008 Resident Evil: Degeneration takes place seven years after the events of the first, second, and third game, this is because the first 3 games take place in the same time. The main characters from the second game, Leon, and Claire are forced into a new nightmare after barely escaping Raccoon City seven years ago. 

Our movie begins with news clips because news clips at the beginning of a zombie movie are so very spooky. It also provides context to the movie's plot as well as recaps the final moments of the original trilogy, which is just Raccoon City being exploded by a small nuke. We learn that the company behind the zombie virus, Umbrella Corporation goes bankrupt, and is bought by WilPharma. Despite everyone's protests to close down the company to prevent another outbreak, they don't listen of course. We skip to the present (2005), and we are introduced to Claire Redfield, the second main character from Resident Evil 2. I really don't know what she's doing, but she's at the airport to meet up with this kid who is related to someone who works at the same anti-bio-terror organization as Claire. There really isn't any explanation to this, except they needed to come up with some bullshit excuse to have her at this airport. Like after the first 20 minutes we don't see this kid ever again except at the end of the movie. Anyway, the two spot the politician guy, and watch as a news reporter, and a protester dressed up like a zombie harass him. Claire steps in, and stops the protester. Moments later though, a real zombie shows up, and kills the police officer there. A whole panic then erupts in the airport as suddenly there are tons of zombies everywhere. As messed up as it may sound, I love scenes like this, I like to refer to these scenes as "Day 1 Panic" when people left, and right are just being chomped on by zombies, and it's just absolute chaos. Outside the airport, a couple of military people are being sent to go save the politician guy, along with the help of Leon S. Kennedy, main character of RE 2, 4, and a smaller role in 6. By the way, chronologically this takes place after Resident Evil 4, which means that at this point in time Leon had not only survived the Raccoon City outbreak, but he has also rescued the President's Daughter from a creepy cult located in rural Spain; this guy has one hell of a resume. The trio go into the airport, and meet up with Claire's group which consists of a couple of useless side characters, the useless kid, and politician guy. Surprisingly they all make it out okay, except for the military guy named Greg, he died, but I don't care because he was a asshole. Sacrificing yourself doesn't automatically make you not a asshole. 

To be honest the movie really comes to a stop after the group leaves the airport, and doesn't pick up again until towards the end. Just like Doom Annihilation, how the fuck, do you make a Resident Evil movie boring? To be completely honest, I really don't remember what happened in this movie, there were zombies, then a bunch of talking, then a big monster showed up. They didn't even blow it up in true Resident Evil fashion, instead it fell to it's death, BOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRING! Unlike the newer Doom movie though, this movie got 2 sequels. I almost forgot to mention, the cg really hasn't aged well. I've seen video game cut scenes from the PlayStation 2 era that look nicer. Really I only recommend that you watch this if you're a die-hard Resident Evil fan, otherwise just avoid it like the zombie plague. This glorified video game cut scene gets a 1 out of 5 Paws up.